The Onion

[video] Gay Scouts Forced To Wear Special Merit Badge

Fri, 24 May 2013 15:15:00 -0400

The nation dredges up its last remaining reserves of grief, a study finds that anxiety can be resolved if you think about it real hard, and a woman who cracked three separate iPhone screens is expecting a baby boy this August. It's the week of May 24, 2013.

[Video] Xbox One Capable Of Controlling Users With Simple Voice Commands

Fri, 24 May 2013 13:48:00 -0400

Microsoft says their new Xbox features a host of simple voice commands that will easily control and instruct gamers.

[Video] Obama Aims To Limit Civilian Casualties With Switch To Taser Drones

Thu, 23 May 2013 21:15:00 -0400

President Obama announced today that he plans to reduce drone casualties by replacing missiles with high-range 11 megavolt tasers.

[video] Web Series Reaches 100 Views

Thu, 23 May 2013 12:54:00 -0400

A comedic webisode about two roommates became a viral sensation this week after reaching the unprecedented 100 view milestone.

[video] Tim Allen, Mark Wahlberg, And Tara Reid Spotted At Starbucks Discussing Oh God What Are They Planning?

Tue, 21 May 2013 13:00:00 -0400

The trio spent hours talking, prompting Hollywood to worry that they could be working on a project together.

[video] David Fincher To Helm YouTube’s First Hour-Long Drama Series 'Turtle Has Sex With Shoes'

Mon, 20 May 2013 12:48:00 -0400

YouTube is the latest site to jump into the original programming arena with the announcement of a gritty adaptation of the popular video.

[video] Every Glass In Grandmother’s Cupboard Visibly Filthy

Fri, 17 May 2013 16:40:00 -0400

Sasha Obama becomes suspicious after doing a little digging around on Benghazi, this has to be the year a local miniature golf course goes out of business, and a dude with a knit hat at a party calls beer 'libations.' It's the week of May 17, 2013

[video] Sponsored Content Pretty Fucking Awesome

Fri, 17 May 2013 13:35:00 -0400

Media consumers across the United States are reporting this week that sponsored content—articles and videos paid for by advertisers and distributed by print and digital publications—is easily the coolest ... Full Report

[video] Possum Gazes Longingly At Family Walking Dog

Fri, 10 May 2013 15:44:00 -0400

A heartbroken Chris Brown always thought Rihanna was the woman he'd beat to death, a mentally unstable man is planning on exhibiting one or two more warning signs before finally doing this, and a snooze button time travler sets his coordinates for 5-minut...

[video] Mentally Unstable Man To Exhibit 1 Or 2 More Warning Signs Before Finally Doing This

Thu, 9 May 2013 13:15:00 -0400

Local mentally ill man Michael Redding, 26, announced his intention Thursday to display one or two further instances of troubling behavior before finally going ahead and carrying out what he has planned.

[video] Malicious Focus Group Convinces Marketers Cinnamon Mountain Dew Is The Next Big Thing

Wed, 8 May 2013 13:11:00 -0400

Following the saboteur antics of a prankster focus group that reportedly convinced company officials the drink was not only palatable but delicious, PepsiCo announced Thursday the launch of its new Mountain Dew CinnaBlast beverage.

[video] Seedless Watermelon Coming To Grips With Fact It’ll Never Be Able To Have Kids

Fri, 3 May 2013 16:27:00 -0400

UMass Dartmouth is beginning to regret offering a course in Applied Domestic Terrorism, a social media rockstar makes $28,000 a year, and Miami Dolphins wide receiver Mike Wallace comes out as a stupid asshole.

[video] Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

Fri, 3 May 2013 13:10:00 -0400

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

[video] Government-Issued PSA Urging Teens To Fuck Their Brains Out

Thu, 2 May 2013 13:46:00 -0400

The above is a 2008 PSA issued by the Department of Health and Human Services in support of the “Fuck Your Brains Out” sex education program.

[video] Middle-Aged Funeral Director Buys Flashy Red Hearse

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 16:20:00 -0400

A study finds that wolf attacks are still the leading cause of death in America, a man says 'fuck it' and eats lunch and 10:58 a.m., and Dzhokar Tsarnaev posts bail.

[video] There Are People In World Who Are Concerned About Current State Of Hip-Hop

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 15:35:00 -0400

A report published Friday by a team of sociologists has confirmed there are apparently people living in the world today who are deeply concerned about the current state of hip-hop and who continually express genuine worry over the musical genre’s fu...

Onion News Empire Official Trailer

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 11:20:00 -0400

Watch Onion News Empire, Episode 1 now.

[video] Catholic Teen's Life Ends At Conception

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 17:05:00 -0400

Next week's school shooting victims thank the members of Senate for failing to pass the gun bill, the cutest guy in an office is not particularly attractive, and an area man is tired of rushing home to hug his loved ones.

[video] VIRAL VIDEO: High School Sophomore Sinks Incredible, Unnecessary Half-Court Shot

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 13:00:00 -0400

Ryan Jurgens rode the bench most of the season, but when his coach gave him a chance, it really paid off!

[video] Cutest Guy In Whole Office Not Even Particularly Attractive

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 16:20:00 -0400

Saying that he’s “okay-looking but definitely nothing special,” employees at Southeastern Publishing Services reported Wednesday that Brian Tyler, a 27-year-old digital communications coordinator widely considered to be the cutest guy in...

[video] Excited Man Only 2 Therapy Sessions Away From Resolving Issues

Fri, 12 Apr 2013 13:00:00 -0400

After over seven years of weekly meetings with his psychiatrist, 35-year-old Chris Vaughan told reporters Friday he is thrilled to be just two 45-minute sessions away from completely resolving all of his problems.

[video] Couple Making Out At Bus Stop Like It's Fucking Paris

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 14:10:00 -0400

According to locals waiting for the westbound number 66 shuttle at Chicago Avenue and Racine Avenue, a young man and woman seated on a bench at the bus stop are currently making out like it’s fucking Paris or something.

[video] How One Hot New Device Helps Couples Drag Out Their Doomed Relationship That Extra Month Or Two

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 12:51:00 -0400

The amazing new "Relationship Pro" video game controller lets both members of a couple pretend they are in a healthy relationship.

[video] Today NOW! Hosts Shake 7UP TEN Cans, Guarantee Explosive New Episode

Tue, 2 Apr 2013 14:45:00 -0400

Watch an all new episode of Today NOW! this Thursday exclusively at theonion.com.

[video] Ashamed Student Affairs Committee Reveals There Aren’t Any Awesome Events Happening On Campus This Weekend

Fri, 29 Mar 2013 12:40:00 -0400

Expressing shame and remorse in an email to the students of Hamilton College on Friday, disgraced student affairs coordinator Jessica Li, 20, regretfully informed undergraduates that there would be no cool events occurring on campus this weekend.