60http://tv.theonion.com/en-us2009 The Onion, Inc.noThe Onion News Network is the 24-hour cable TV news choice for billions of viewers in 811 countries. Now the hard-hitting, award-winning news you need is available anytime and anywhere you want. Subscribe and watch right now.The Onion News Network is the 24-hour cable TV news choice for billions of viewers in 811 countries. Now the hard-hitting, award-winning news you need is available anytime and anywhere you want. Subscribe and watch right now.2009 The Onion, Inc.ComedyThe Onion News Network is the 24-hour cable TV news choice for billions of viewers in 811 countries. Now the hard-hitting, award-winning news you need is available anytime and anywhere you want. Subscribe and watch right now.http://tv.theonion.comhttp://www.theonion.com/content/themes/onion/assets/onn/itunes_med.jpgThe Onion11 year old Thomas Demming visits Today NOW! with the magical friend he hid for weeks in his bedroom closet.YesThu, 19 Nov 2009 11:00:36 ESThttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/boy_finds_own_real_life_e_t<p><a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/bktvgEG1EtlAatDq5EcOlPkF880/0/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/bktvgEG1EtlAatDq5EcOlPkF880/0/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a><br/> <a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/bktvgEG1EtlAatDq5EcOlPkF880/1/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/bktvgEG1EtlAatDq5EcOlPkF880/1/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a></p><div class="feedflare"> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=7TgsewkPu8A:t1ekBV6ZyxQ:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=7TgsewkPu8A:t1ekBV6ZyxQ:V_sGLiPBpWU"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?i=7TgsewkPu8A:t1ekBV6ZyxQ:V_sGLiPBpWU" border="0"></img></a> </div><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~4/7TgsewkPu8A" height="1" width="1"/>http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~3/7TgsewkPu8A/boy_finds_own_real_life_e_thttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/boy_finds_own_real_life_e_thttp://track.theonion.com/podcast_redirect.mp4?file=http%3A%2F%2Fvideos.theonion.com%2Fonion_video%2F2009%2F11%2F19%2FET_ALIEN_ITUNES.mp4&title=Boy+Finds+Own+Real-Life+E.T.&issue=4547The OnionOfficials say the President's home teleprompter is simply a tool to make sure pillow talk with Michelle or conversations with his Mother-In-Law go smoothly.YesMon, 16 Nov 2009 16:58:00 ESThttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/obamas_home_teleprompter<p><a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/ygdOUgS0IMnPZPNjB2hdkSw2J-w/0/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/ygdOUgS0IMnPZPNjB2hdkSw2J-w/0/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a><br/> <a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/ygdOUgS0IMnPZPNjB2hdkSw2J-w/1/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/ygdOUgS0IMnPZPNjB2hdkSw2J-w/1/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a></p><div class="feedflare"> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=GiWvBj-_AT4:dcLZFPo-OtM:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=GiWvBj-_AT4:dcLZFPo-OtM:V_sGLiPBpWU"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?i=GiWvBj-_AT4:dcLZFPo-OtM:V_sGLiPBpWU" border="0"></img></a> </div><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~4/GiWvBj-_AT4" height="1" width="1"/>http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~3/GiWvBj-_AT4/obamas_home_teleprompterhttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/obamas_home_teleprompterhttp://track.theonion.com/podcast_redirect.mp4?file=http%3A%2F%2Fvideos.theonion.com%2Fonion_video%2F2009%2F11%2F17%2FOBAMA_TELEPROMPTER_ITUNES.mp4&title=Obama%27s+Home+Teleprompter+Malfunctions+During+Family+Dinner&issue=4547The OnionDesigners say the new game explores the endless paperwork, routine patrolling a modern day soldier endures in photorealistic detail.YesTue, 10 Nov 2009 00:00:38 ESThttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/ultra_realistic_modern_warfare<p><a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/ThDJSCQwVHIs52mNHlyqd1HzYfE/0/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/ThDJSCQwVHIs52mNHlyqd1HzYfE/0/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a><br/> <a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/ThDJSCQwVHIs52mNHlyqd1HzYfE/1/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/ThDJSCQwVHIs52mNHlyqd1HzYfE/1/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a></p><div class="feedflare"> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=huQqkxm-XWo:Or3921MNbow:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=huQqkxm-XWo:Or3921MNbow:V_sGLiPBpWU"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?i=huQqkxm-XWo:Or3921MNbow:V_sGLiPBpWU" border="0"></img></a> </div><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~4/huQqkxm-XWo" height="1" width="1"/>http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~3/huQqkxm-XWo/ultra_realistic_modern_warfarehttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/ultra_realistic_modern_warfarehttp://track.theonion.com/podcast_redirect.mp4?file=http%3A%2F%2Fvideos.theonion.com%2Fonion_video%2F2009%2F11%2F10%2FMODERN_WARFARE_ITUNES.mp4&title=Ultra-Realistic+Modern+Warfare+Game+Features+Awaiting+Orders%2C+Repairing+Trucks&issue=4545The OnionFord says the '93 Taurus is the only car to drive in 2010, and they think Americans will have no other choice but to agree.YesThu, 5 Nov 2009 11:00:00 ESThttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/ford_unveils_new_car_for_cash<p><a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/mfzHHS4kJYXr-3UwCMHq9t8EmQY/0/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/mfzHHS4kJYXr-3UwCMHq9t8EmQY/0/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a><br/> <a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/mfzHHS4kJYXr-3UwCMHq9t8EmQY/1/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/mfzHHS4kJYXr-3UwCMHq9t8EmQY/1/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a></p><div class="feedflare"> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=rlnshafmYdc:IsEdWC1UZs4:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=rlnshafmYdc:IsEdWC1UZs4:V_sGLiPBpWU"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?i=rlnshafmYdc:IsEdWC1UZs4:V_sGLiPBpWU" border="0"></img></a> </div><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~4/rlnshafmYdc" height="1" width="1"/>http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~3/rlnshafmYdc/ford_unveils_new_car_for_cashhttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/ford_unveils_new_car_for_cashhttp://track.theonion.com/podcast_redirect.mp4?file=http%3A%2F%2Fvideos.theonion.com%2Fonion_video%2F2009%2F11%2F05%2FSHITTY_FORD_ITUNES.mp4&title=Ford+Unveils+New+Car+For+Cash-Strapped+Buyers%3A+The+1993+Taurus&issue=4545The OnionAn honors student died in the crash today, leaving the nation to wonder why the grisly experience of burning alive was not reserved for Glenn Beck.YesMon, 2 Nov 2009 18:00:27 ESThttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/victim_in_fatal_car_accident<p><a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/W6JEY40lGrTFuD2-G2loay1I7lQ/0/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/W6JEY40lGrTFuD2-G2loay1I7lQ/0/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a><br/> <a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/W6JEY40lGrTFuD2-G2loay1I7lQ/1/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/W6JEY40lGrTFuD2-G2loay1I7lQ/1/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a></p><div class="feedflare"> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=3nRe-Owl89M:_YnJrRz2MXs:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=3nRe-Owl89M:_YnJrRz2MXs:V_sGLiPBpWU"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?i=3nRe-Owl89M:_YnJrRz2MXs:V_sGLiPBpWU" border="0"></img></a> </div><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~4/3nRe-Owl89M" height="1" width="1"/>http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~3/3nRe-Owl89M/victim_in_fatal_car_accidenthttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/victim_in_fatal_car_accidenthttp://track.theonion.com/podcast_redirect.mp4?file=http%3A%2F%2Fvideos.theonion.com%2Fonion_video%2F2009%2F11%2F03%2FGLENN_BECK_ITUNES.mp4&title=Victim+In+Fatal+Car+Accident+Tragically+Not+Glenn+Beck&issue=4544The OnionPeople are breathing a sigh of relief today for the long-suffering spectators' sudden deaths, and for the total elimination of the Clippers' roster off the face of the earth.YesThu, 29 Oct 2009 05:00:50 EDThttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/fatal_staples_center_collapse<p><a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/axLyTTh8fhv4y49jLdaytpQ3QqY/0/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/axLyTTh8fhv4y49jLdaytpQ3QqY/0/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a><br/> <a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/axLyTTh8fhv4y49jLdaytpQ3QqY/1/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/axLyTTh8fhv4y49jLdaytpQ3QqY/1/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a></p><div class="feedflare"> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=GY0Qmi_4JLo:p6CDsfytekM:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=GY0Qmi_4JLo:p6CDsfytekM:V_sGLiPBpWU"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?i=GY0Qmi_4JLo:p6CDsfytekM:V_sGLiPBpWU" border="0"></img></a> </div><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~4/GY0Qmi_4JLo" height="1" width="1"/>http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~3/GY0Qmi_4JLo/fatal_staples_center_collapsehttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/fatal_staples_center_collapsehttp://track.theonion.com/podcast_redirect.mp4?file=http%3A%2F%2Fvideos.theonion.com%2Fonion_video%2F2009%2F10%2F29%2FROOF_COLLAPSE_ITUNES.mp4&title=Fatal+Staples+Center+Collapse+Brings+Merciful+Early+End+To+Clippers+Game&issue=4544The OnionExpert stops by Today NOW! to show parents of girly sons costume tips to survive Halloween without accentuating their child's obvious homosexuality.YesTue, 27 Oct 2009 05:23:11 EDThttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/how_to_find_a_masculine_halloween<p><a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/jFuTSxjlvUEBNRRFj3ZMSGvjcck/0/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/jFuTSxjlvUEBNRRFj3ZMSGvjcck/0/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a><br/> <a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/jFuTSxjlvUEBNRRFj3ZMSGvjcck/1/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/jFuTSxjlvUEBNRRFj3ZMSGvjcck/1/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a></p><div class="feedflare"> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=vhCo-mCDIbw:MTFWRwmELjA:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=vhCo-mCDIbw:MTFWRwmELjA:V_sGLiPBpWU"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?i=vhCo-mCDIbw:MTFWRwmELjA:V_sGLiPBpWU" border="0"></img></a> </div><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~4/vhCo-mCDIbw" height="1" width="1"/>http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~3/vhCo-mCDIbw/how_to_find_a_masculine_halloweenhttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/how_to_find_a_masculine_halloweenhttp://track.theonion.com/podcast_redirect.mp4?file=http%3A%2F%2Fvideos.theonion.com%2Fonion_video%2F2009%2F10%2F27%2FMASCULINE_COSTUMES_ITUNES.mp4&title=How+To+Find+A+Masculine+Halloween+Costume+For+Your+Effeminate+Son&issue=4544The OnionIn The Know panelists call Biden's decision to sneeze in the middle of a high level policy meeting 'disgusting' and 'completely inappropriate.'YesWed, 21 Oct 2009 10:30:55 EDThttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/gaffe_prone_biden_embarrasses<p><a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/H6Y9J2n853LU8BGW1aETc8EKI5w/0/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/H6Y9J2n853LU8BGW1aETc8EKI5w/0/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a><br/> <a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/H6Y9J2n853LU8BGW1aETc8EKI5w/1/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/H6Y9J2n853LU8BGW1aETc8EKI5w/1/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a></p><div class="feedflare"> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=qGsK1G3f7wU:izFEnk9mQCE:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=qGsK1G3f7wU:izFEnk9mQCE:V_sGLiPBpWU"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?i=qGsK1G3f7wU:izFEnk9mQCE:V_sGLiPBpWU" border="0"></img></a> </div><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~4/qGsK1G3f7wU" height="1" width="1"/>http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~3/qGsK1G3f7wU/gaffe_prone_biden_embarrasseshttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/gaffe_prone_biden_embarrasseshttp://track.theonion.com/podcast_redirect.mp4?file=http%3A%2F%2Fvideos.theonion.com%2Fonion_video%2F2009%2F10%2F22%2FBIDEN_SNEEZE_ITUNES.mp4&title=Gaffe-Prone+Biden+Embarrasses+Nation+Yet+Again+By+Sneezing+During+Meeting&issue=4543The OnionSteam Room analysts debate whether the International Fencing Federation should rein in this rogue, or if De La Croix will narrowly escape yet again.YesMon, 19 Oct 2009 19:19:14 EDThttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/bad_boy_fencing_star_implicated<p><a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/3Q1o0jmh3xD4hiteZm1qW4xMIEE/0/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/3Q1o0jmh3xD4hiteZm1qW4xMIEE/0/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a><br/> <a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/3Q1o0jmh3xD4hiteZm1qW4xMIEE/1/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/3Q1o0jmh3xD4hiteZm1qW4xMIEE/1/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a></p><div class="feedflare"> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=0BJ4i6zJhOs:EGWDe2p91SQ:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=0BJ4i6zJhOs:EGWDe2p91SQ:V_sGLiPBpWU"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?i=0BJ4i6zJhOs:EGWDe2p91SQ:V_sGLiPBpWU" border="0"></img></a> </div><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~4/0BJ4i6zJhOs" height="1" width="1"/>http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~3/0BJ4i6zJhOs/bad_boy_fencing_star_implicatedhttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/bad_boy_fencing_star_implicatedhttp://track.theonion.com/podcast_redirect.mp4?file=http%3A%2F%2Fvideos.theonion.com%2Fonion_video%2F2009%2F10%2F20%2FBAD_BOY_FENCER_ITUNES.mp4&title=Bad+Boy+Fencing+Star+Implicated+In+Yet+Another+Daring+Jewel+Heist&issue=4543The OnionDan Kellogg visits Today NOW! with money tips for one particular woman who forgot to close her bedroom drapes last night.YesThu, 15 Oct 2009 11:00:16 EDThttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/stalker_financial_expert_offers<p><a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/_l5zoH9OXvcAD9Rg5ARbyya4v6w/0/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/_l5zoH9OXvcAD9Rg5ARbyya4v6w/0/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a><br/> <a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/_l5zoH9OXvcAD9Rg5ARbyya4v6w/1/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/_l5zoH9OXvcAD9Rg5ARbyya4v6w/1/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a></p><div class="feedflare"> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=9EwExC2agks:1mKXWR9UkKo:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=9EwExC2agks:1mKXWR9UkKo:V_sGLiPBpWU"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?i=9EwExC2agks:1mKXWR9UkKo:V_sGLiPBpWU" border="0"></img></a> </div><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~4/9EwExC2agks" height="1" width="1"/>http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~3/9EwExC2agks/stalker_financial_expert_offershttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/stalker_financial_expert_offershttp://track.theonion.com/podcast_redirect.mp4?file=http%3A%2F%2Fvideos.theonion.com%2Fonion_video%2F2009%2F10%2F15%2FSTALKER_REPORTER_ITUNES.mp4&title=Stalker+Financial+Expert+Offers+Recession+Tips+Just+For+Woman+He+Follows&issue=4542The OnionWhite House officials are confident the President will be able to convince the wildfire to stop incinerating large swaths of land and American homes.YesTue, 13 Oct 2009 07:38:24 EDThttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/obama_to_enter_diplomatic_talks<p><a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/fBCEtJmo0pf1xprhWC-QhUXdPAc/0/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/fBCEtJmo0pf1xprhWC-QhUXdPAc/0/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a><br/> <a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/fBCEtJmo0pf1xprhWC-QhUXdPAc/1/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/fBCEtJmo0pf1xprhWC-QhUXdPAc/1/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a></p><div class="feedflare"> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=aE3D72RQyzg:NDJptwXMstU:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=aE3D72RQyzg:NDJptwXMstU:V_sGLiPBpWU"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?i=aE3D72RQyzg:NDJptwXMstU:V_sGLiPBpWU" border="0"></img></a> </div><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~4/aE3D72RQyzg" height="1" width="1"/>http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~3/aE3D72RQyzg/obama_to_enter_diplomatic_talkshttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/obama_to_enter_diplomatic_talkshttp://track.theonion.com/podcast_redirect.mp4?file=http%3A%2F%2Fvideos.theonion.com%2Fonion_video%2F2009%2F10%2F13%2FOBAMA_WILDFIRES_ITUNES.mp4&title=Obama+To+Enter+Diplomatic+Talks+With+Raging+Wildfire&issue=4542The OnionThe CDC's new anti-smoking campaign effectively reaches teens with a simple message: if you smoke, people are going to know you're totally crazy for butt sex.YesMon, 5 Oct 2009 18:00:29 EDThttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/new_anti_smoking_ads_warn_teens<p><a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/QhgyTOC8SYLMOdwYPg3ZWXRYrFY/0/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/QhgyTOC8SYLMOdwYPg3ZWXRYrFY/0/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a><br/> <a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/QhgyTOC8SYLMOdwYPg3ZWXRYrFY/1/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/QhgyTOC8SYLMOdwYPg3ZWXRYrFY/1/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a></p><div class="feedflare"> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=HdufjSSWKQc:HbNo3D5SgkY:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=HdufjSSWKQc:HbNo3D5SgkY:V_sGLiPBpWU"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?i=HdufjSSWKQc:HbNo3D5SgkY:V_sGLiPBpWU" border="0"></img></a> </div><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~4/HdufjSSWKQc" height="1" width="1"/>http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~3/HdufjSSWKQc/new_anti_smoking_ads_warn_teenshttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/new_anti_smoking_ads_warn_teenshttp://track.theonion.com/podcast_redirect.mp4?file=http%3A%2F%2Fvideos.theonion.com%2Fonion_video%2F2009%2F10%2F06%2FTEEN_SMOKING_ITUNES.mp4&title=New+Anti-Smoking+Ads+Warn+Teens+%27It%27s+Gay+To+Smoke%27&issue=4541The OnionPanelists discuss whether Obama's openly loving family is a slap in the face to the average American who only bears feelings of resentment towards relatives.YesThu, 1 Oct 2009 13:00:59 EDThttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/poll_happy_healthy_obamas_out_of<p><a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/Rr_MRCgEJxZaQk-tisZZwc2sn9A/0/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/Rr_MRCgEJxZaQk-tisZZwc2sn9A/0/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a><br/> <a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/Rr_MRCgEJxZaQk-tisZZwc2sn9A/1/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/Rr_MRCgEJxZaQk-tisZZwc2sn9A/1/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a></p><div class="feedflare"> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=Qqr5eLtI8Tw:Pf65va9RaPk:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=Qqr5eLtI8Tw:Pf65va9RaPk:V_sGLiPBpWU"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?i=Qqr5eLtI8Tw:Pf65va9RaPk:V_sGLiPBpWU" border="0"></img></a> </div><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~4/Qqr5eLtI8Tw" height="1" width="1"/>http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~3/Qqr5eLtI8Tw/poll_happy_healthy_obamas_out_ofhttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/poll_happy_healthy_obamas_out_ofhttp://track.theonion.com/podcast_redirect.mp4?file=http%3A%2F%2Fvideos.theonion.com%2Fonion_video%2F2009%2F10%2F01%2FOBAMA_FAMILY_ITUNES.mp4&title=Poll%3A+Happy%2C+Healthy+Obamas+Out+Of+Touch+With+Miserable+Americans&issue=4540The OnionOn Raw Justice, host Dean Reid investigates the closed case of an 'accidental' fire and finds shocking new evidence of sexually motivated arson.YesMon, 28 Sep 2009 18:02:46 EDThttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/crime_reporter_finds_way_of<p><a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/oE9GskYiW8kOyeQzSGQuLjULHlo/0/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/oE9GskYiW8kOyeQzSGQuLjULHlo/0/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a><br/> <a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/oE9GskYiW8kOyeQzSGQuLjULHlo/1/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/oE9GskYiW8kOyeQzSGQuLjULHlo/1/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a></p><div class="feedflare"> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=Nroxv2CAW5w:a2-59PLinOA:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=Nroxv2CAW5w:a2-59PLinOA:V_sGLiPBpWU"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?i=Nroxv2CAW5w:a2-59PLinOA:V_sGLiPBpWU" border="0"></img></a> </div><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~4/Nroxv2CAW5w" height="1" width="1"/>http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~3/Nroxv2CAW5w/crime_reporter_finds_way_ofhttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/crime_reporter_finds_way_ofhttp://track.theonion.com/podcast_redirect.mp4?file=http%3A%2F%2Fvideos.theonion.com%2Fonion_video%2F2009%2F09%2F29%2FSEXUAL_ARSON_ITUNES.mp4&title=Crime+Reporter+Finds+Way+Of+Linking+Warehouse+Fire+To+Depraved+Sex+Act&issue=4540The Onion8 year old Lucas Armitage has become a national hero after bravely defending his home by shooting a burglar multiple times in the chest and neck.YesWed, 23 Sep 2009 19:30:44 EDThttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/little_boy_heroically_shoots<p><a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/82NuGvOeWbVCVSrlTjNbP74ZPGM/0/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/82NuGvOeWbVCVSrlTjNbP74ZPGM/0/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a><br/> <a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/82NuGvOeWbVCVSrlTjNbP74ZPGM/1/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/82NuGvOeWbVCVSrlTjNbP74ZPGM/1/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a></p><div class="feedflare"> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=QeY_6-VmqOE:LQRZrfxRs3g:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=QeY_6-VmqOE:LQRZrfxRs3g:V_sGLiPBpWU"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?i=QeY_6-VmqOE:LQRZrfxRs3g:V_sGLiPBpWU" border="0"></img></a> </div><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~4/QeY_6-VmqOE" height="1" width="1"/>http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~3/QeY_6-VmqOE/little_boy_heroically_shootshttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/little_boy_heroically_shootshttp://track.theonion.com/podcast_redirect.mp4?file=http%3A%2F%2Fvideos.theonion.com%2Fonion_video%2F2009%2F09%2F24%2FDADDYS_GUN_ITUNES.mp4&title=Little+Boy+Heroically+Shoots%2C+Mutilates+Burglar&issue=4539The OnionCongress is deadlocked on the best way to get a bat out of their committee chamber.YesMon, 21 Sep 2009 16:20:58 EDThttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/breaking_news_bat_loose_in<p><a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/a_Vm-gEwhjsrzcHTP38vSkXT5uQ/0/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/a_Vm-gEwhjsrzcHTP38vSkXT5uQ/0/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a><br/> <a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/a_Vm-gEwhjsrzcHTP38vSkXT5uQ/1/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/a_Vm-gEwhjsrzcHTP38vSkXT5uQ/1/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a></p><div class="feedflare"> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=FqyvWCuvbhU:qGzLMII626g:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=FqyvWCuvbhU:qGzLMII626g:V_sGLiPBpWU"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?i=FqyvWCuvbhU:qGzLMII626g:V_sGLiPBpWU" border="0"></img></a> </div><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~4/FqyvWCuvbhU" height="1" width="1"/>http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~3/FqyvWCuvbhU/breaking_news_bat_loose_inhttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/breaking_news_bat_loose_inhttp://track.theonion.com/podcast_redirect.mp4?file=http%3A%2F%2Fvideos.theonion.com%2Fonion_video%2F2009%2F09%2F22%2FBAT_LOOSE_ITUNES.mp4&title=BREAKING+NEWS%3A+BAT+LOOSE+IN+CONGRESS&issue=4539The OnionAs Americans rush to join the Nouveau Poor, panelists debate whether the newly poor are capable of integrating with long established poor families from old poverty roots.YesThu, 17 Sep 2009 11:00:07 EDThttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/report_growing_ranks_of_nouveau<p><a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/AsamR7NtSOc_N4d_JXqK5XJEVTo/0/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/AsamR7NtSOc_N4d_JXqK5XJEVTo/0/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a><br/> <a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/AsamR7NtSOc_N4d_JXqK5XJEVTo/1/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/AsamR7NtSOc_N4d_JXqK5XJEVTo/1/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a></p><div class="feedflare"> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=a8W0NY8BrWk:U6Tac-li3T4:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=a8W0NY8BrWk:U6Tac-li3T4:V_sGLiPBpWU"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?i=a8W0NY8BrWk:U6Tac-li3T4:V_sGLiPBpWU" border="0"></img></a> </div><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~4/a8W0NY8BrWk" height="1" width="1"/>http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~3/a8W0NY8BrWk/report_growing_ranks_of_nouveauhttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/report_growing_ranks_of_nouveauhttp://track.theonion.com/podcast_redirect.mp4?file=http%3A%2F%2Fvideos.theonion.com%2Fonion_video%2F2009%2F09%2F17%2FNOUVEAU_POOR_ITUNES.mp4&title=Report%3A+Growing+Ranks+Of+Nouveau+Poor+Facing+Discrimination+From+Old+Poor&issue=4538The OnionInnocent civilians across the impact zone are picking up the pieces after Secretary of State Clinton's tedious visits to their farms, cultural centers.YesMon, 14 Sep 2009 20:00:11 EDThttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/u_s_condemned_for_pre_emptive_use<p><a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/0WNQXNfn_-0t1BUJWpACSe_YPw8/0/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/0WNQXNfn_-0t1BUJWpACSe_YPw8/0/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a><br/> <a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/0WNQXNfn_-0t1BUJWpACSe_YPw8/1/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/0WNQXNfn_-0t1BUJWpACSe_YPw8/1/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a></p><div class="feedflare"> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=e45CNZuXk48:q4drlm2mK_8:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=e45CNZuXk48:q4drlm2mK_8:V_sGLiPBpWU"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?i=e45CNZuXk48:q4drlm2mK_8:V_sGLiPBpWU" border="0"></img></a> </div><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~4/e45CNZuXk48" height="1" width="1"/>http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~3/e45CNZuXk48/u_s_condemned_for_pre_emptive_usehttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/u_s_condemned_for_pre_emptive_usehttp://track.theonion.com/podcast_redirect.mp4?file=http%3A%2F%2Fvideos.theonion.com%2Fonion_video%2F2009%2F09%2F15%2FPREEMPTIVE_CLINTON_ITUNES.mp4&title=U.S.+Condemned+For+Pre-Emptive+Use+Of+Hillary+Clinton+Against+Pakistan&issue=4538The OnionAmericans say attending a 911 vigil or observing a moment of silence to only then come home to jerk off is disrespectful and wrong.YesThu, 10 Sep 2009 11:00:01 EDThttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/americans_observing_9_11_by<p><a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/mpe-ozdZpFpJmzT93OrJwG-EOtQ/0/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/mpe-ozdZpFpJmzT93OrJwG-EOtQ/0/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a><br/> <a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/mpe-ozdZpFpJmzT93OrJwG-EOtQ/1/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/mpe-ozdZpFpJmzT93OrJwG-EOtQ/1/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a></p><div class="feedflare"> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=EwfIySYjKMY:ebXSwg7RJTg:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=EwfIySYjKMY:ebXSwg7RJTg:V_sGLiPBpWU"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?i=EwfIySYjKMY:ebXSwg7RJTg:V_sGLiPBpWU" border="0"></img></a> </div><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~4/EwfIySYjKMY" height="1" width="1"/>http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~3/EwfIySYjKMY/americans_observing_9_11_byhttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/americans_observing_9_11_byhttp://track.theonion.com/podcast_redirect.mp4?file=http%3A%2F%2Fvideos.theonion.com%2Fonion_video%2F2009%2F09%2F10%2F9_11_MASTURBATION_ITUNES.mp4&title=Americans+Observing+911+By+Trying+Not+To+Masturbate&issue=4537The OnionThanks to the NFL's Mentoring Program, the Lions got to spend a fun-filled day with the pros learning to catch, tackle.YesMon, 7 Sep 2009 18:00:03 EDThttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/nfl_players_mentor_troubled<p><a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/pgDRPY3STERlad2Ums4PkiZeuf0/0/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/pgDRPY3STERlad2Ums4PkiZeuf0/0/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a><br/> <a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/pgDRPY3STERlad2Ums4PkiZeuf0/1/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/pgDRPY3STERlad2Ums4PkiZeuf0/1/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a></p><div class="feedflare"> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=ZLlWFsOxLJ0:75XxVF1ytY8:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=ZLlWFsOxLJ0:75XxVF1ytY8:V_sGLiPBpWU"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?i=ZLlWFsOxLJ0:75XxVF1ytY8:V_sGLiPBpWU" border="0"></img></a> </div><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~4/ZLlWFsOxLJ0" height="1" width="1"/>http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~3/ZLlWFsOxLJ0/nfl_players_mentor_troubledhttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/nfl_players_mentor_troubledhttp://track.theonion.com/podcast_redirect.mp4?file=http%3A%2F%2Fvideos.theonion.com%2Fonion_video%2F2009%2F09%2F08%2FLIONS_MENTORS_ITUNES.mp4&title=NFL+Players+Mentor+Troubled+Detroit+Lions&issue=4537The Onion'E-Mom' Gloria Bianco shows Jim and Tracy how geographical distance is no longer a roadblock to shamelessly interfering with the lives of your children.YesTue, 1 Sep 2009 00:00:51 EDThttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/facebook_twitter_revolutionizing<p><a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/iGvIoxglB9frwi0gFwseDUkuR5s/0/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/iGvIoxglB9frwi0gFwseDUkuR5s/0/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a><br/> <a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/iGvIoxglB9frwi0gFwseDUkuR5s/1/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/iGvIoxglB9frwi0gFwseDUkuR5s/1/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a></p><div class="feedflare"> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=TFbH4RPZZK0:5SU6E1HYAic:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=TFbH4RPZZK0:5SU6E1HYAic:V_sGLiPBpWU"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?i=TFbH4RPZZK0:5SU6E1HYAic:V_sGLiPBpWU" border="0"></img></a> </div><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~4/TFbH4RPZZK0" height="1" width="1"/>http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~3/TFbH4RPZZK0/facebook_twitter_revolutionizinghttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/facebook_twitter_revolutionizinghttp://track.theonion.com/podcast_redirect.mp4?file=http%3A%2F%2Fvideos.theonion.com%2Fonion_video%2F2009%2F09%2F01%2FE_MOM_ITUNES.mp4&title=Facebook%2C+Twitter+Revolutionizing+How+Parents+Stalk+Their+College-Aged+Kids&issue=4536The OnionIn The Know panelists discuss the closing of the controversial detainee labyrinth and debate whether the Minotaur's sternum-stomping-by-hooves interrogation technique yielded valuable intelligence.YesThu, 27 Aug 2009 11:03:27 EDThttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/is_using_a_minotaur_to_gore<p><a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/9HYYWMHTZez_86TLiDPjSManyJk/0/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/9HYYWMHTZez_86TLiDPjSManyJk/0/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a><br/> <a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/9HYYWMHTZez_86TLiDPjSManyJk/1/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/9HYYWMHTZez_86TLiDPjSManyJk/1/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a></p><div class="feedflare"> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=jP_RNHti-aw:ztH655t11TE:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=jP_RNHti-aw:ztH655t11TE:V_sGLiPBpWU"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?i=jP_RNHti-aw:ztH655t11TE:V_sGLiPBpWU" border="0"></img></a> </div><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~4/jP_RNHti-aw" height="1" width="1"/>http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~3/jP_RNHti-aw/is_using_a_minotaur_to_gorehttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/is_using_a_minotaur_to_gorehttp://track.theonion.com/podcast_redirect.mp4?file=http%3A%2F%2Fvideos.theonion.com%2Fonion_video%2F2009%2F08%2F27%2FMINOTAUR_MAZE_ITUNES.mp4&title=+Is+Using+A+Minotaur+To+Gore+Detainees+A+Form+Of+Torture%3F&issue=4535The OnionGovernment officials have not determined the source of the music or what it could portend, but they urge Americans to avoid deserted mansions, woods, and eerily quiet lake cabins.YesMon, 24 Aug 2009 17:47:08 EDThttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/ominous_music_heard_throughout_u<p><a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/1LyqM3djeMqyZCaOORKm8ZTWNvg/0/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/1LyqM3djeMqyZCaOORKm8ZTWNvg/0/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a><br/> <a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/1LyqM3djeMqyZCaOORKm8ZTWNvg/1/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/1LyqM3djeMqyZCaOORKm8ZTWNvg/1/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a></p><div class="feedflare"> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=_fGAMHMJqZU:2THsVILLSC0:yIl2AUoC8zA"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?d=yIl2AUoC8zA" border="0"></img></a> <a href="http://feeds.theonion.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?a=_fGAMHMJqZU:2THsVILLSC0:V_sGLiPBpWU"><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~ff/OnionNewsNetwork?i=_fGAMHMJqZU:2THsVILLSC0:V_sGLiPBpWU" border="0"></img></a> </div><img src="http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~4/_fGAMHMJqZU" height="1" width="1"/>http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~3/_fGAMHMJqZU/ominous_music_heard_throughout_uhttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/ominous_music_heard_throughout_uhttp://track.theonion.com/podcast_redirect.mp4?file=http%3A%2F%2Fvideos.theonion.com%2Fonion_video%2F2009%2F08%2F25%2FOMINOUS_MUSIC_ITUNES.mp4&title=Ominous+Music+Heard+Throughout+U.S.+Sends+Nation+Into+Panic&issue=4535The OnionDespite eyebrows raised by his .850 batting average and Persian oil lamp he carries everywhere, 'Magic Lamp' emphatically denies ever using a genie.YesThu, 20 Aug 2009 10:48:39 EDThttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/baseball_superstar_accused_of<p><a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/Ip-X7yAMFzsRHJU1BbLcJ-0klHA/0/da"><img src="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/Ip-X7yAMFzsRHJU1BbLcJ-0klHA/0/di" border="0" ismap="true"></img></a><br/> <a href="http://feedads.g.doubleclick.net/~at/Ip-X7yAMFzsRHJU1BbLcJ-0klHA/1/da"><img 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width="1"/>http://feeds.theonion.com/~r/OnionNewsNetwork/~3/HUz3x8VhoS0/baseball_superstar_accused_ofhttp://www.theonion.com/content/video/baseball_superstar_accused_ofhttp://track.theonion.com/podcast_redirect.mp4?file=http%3A%2F%2Fvideos.theonion.com%2Fonion_video%2F2009%2F08%2F20%2FMAGIC_LAMP_ITUNES.mp4&title=Baseball+Superstar+Accused+of+Performance-Enhancing+Genie+Use&issue=4534nonadult