The A.V. Club - Hater

Film: Hater:Inside-Out Dudes With Evil Tattoos Are The New Werewolves

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 15:02:00 -0600

As anyone who saw Twilight: Ballad Of The Melodramatic Papercut this weekend can attest, CGI Huskies are totally the new Abstinence Vampires, breathing near each others' faces is the new kissing, and no character development is the new character development. But what will be the new emotionally and physically abusive teen monster hotness? What will be the new CGI Huskies? Apparently it's Beasts With Really Good Balance. More specifically, it's Inside-Out Dudes With Evil Tattoos Who Can Stand On Top Of Bridges For Some Reason. Oh, and 10 seconds of vague monster transformation is the new movie trailer ...

TV: Hater:Award Shows You Didn't Know (Or Care) Existed

Mon, 23 Nov 2009 10:32:00 -0600

It's the end of the year, which means that at any given moment someone is being handed an award for something–because, you know, it's the end of the year, and there's all this airtime to fill, and people like awards shows, right? Well, that's not exactly true. People don't like the actual awards shows nearly as much as they like criticizing and making fun of awards shows with a group of people. But while the big, significant awards shows (like the Oscars) or the big awards shows that think they're significant (The Golden ...

TV: Hater:Tyra Banks Is So Sorry You Didn't Realize She's A Moron

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 17:00:00 -0600

It's probably very difficult being Tyra Banks. You walk around with a cranial cavity that's empty except for two tired bees, and those bees are constantly buzz buzz buzzing with, like, the best ideas. But no one seems to "get" your ideas. It has to be frustrating. The bees knock around in your hollow skull, and so you say, "Why don't I dress up like a fat person, in order to, like, see how fat people feel, which is probably terrible. But then I immediately go back to being a model?" And everyone just stares at you ...

TV: Hater:Fancy NYC McDonald's Almost Like Being In Europe

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 13:10:00 -0600

In terms of their McDonald's restaurant design, Europe is way ahead of us. Their McDonald's have fancy chairs, and flat-screen TVs, and only the chicest homeless people setting up residency in the bathrooms. Well now, finally, at least one American McDonald's has caught up. From The AP: A McDonald's in midtown Manhattan became the first in the U.S. this fall to undergo a sleek, European-style makeover similar to what McDonald's has done at thousands of outlets around in France and the United Kingdom. The eatery is outfitted with outlets for plugging in laptops, upholstered ...

TV: Hater:Surprising Facts About Steven Seagal

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 16:30:00 -0600

You might know Steven Seagal as the star of Under Siege and Under Siege 2: Beneath Even More Siege, or perhaps you remember him best as Celebrity Grand Marshal, along with The Beach Boys (they count as one Marshal), of the 1993 Endymion parade. But, as it turns out, Steven Seagal is more than just an action star/one-time grand marshall of a Mardi Gras parade. Here are a few surprising facts* about the action star/one-time grand marshall of a parade you may not know: --For the past 5 years, Steven Seagal has been a resident marine biologist at ...

Film: Hater:Important Questions About Twilight: New Moon

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 16:15:00 -0600

Twilight: New Moon, the movie in which an Abstinence Vampire, a CGI Husky, and An Oversized Bottle of Vitamin Water battle for the affection of a brooding girl who gets a paper cut while opening a birthday present, raises more questions than it answers. Questions like, "What?" "Huh?" "Thunderstorm vampire baseball?" "Virgin Atlantic flies from Seattle to Italy now?" and, of course, "What was 50 Cent doing at the Twilight New Moon Premiere?" That last one is the ultimate unanswerable question. There's no defnitive response to a "What was 50 Cent doing [name of place]?" question. "What was 50 ...

TV: Hater:Who Doesn't Love The Smell Of Dead Celebrity DNA?

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 12:30:00 -0600

Everyone who is or was at some point even remotely famous has a perfume—Carlos Santana, Avril Lavigne, Tim McGraw, Donald Trump, the cast of the Bold & The Beautiful, Alan Cumming, Raven Symone, Derek Jeter, that girl whose arm was bitten off by a shark, etc. If you're looking for something to make you smell like your favorite slightly-well-known personage, or if you're just looking for something with a famous name to swig Scarlett-O'Hara-style when you're secretly drinking in the bedroom and your abusive husband comes up the stairs, the celebrity perfume industrial complex has you ...

Music: Hater:Mariah Carey Will Do Whatever She Wants

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 15:00:00 -0600

Career-wise, Mariah Carey is almost as powerful as she's ever been: She's established enough that people are going to buy her music, even if her first single is a response to an Eminem insult and it's 2009; She has her own perfume line that people actually buy (apparently some people want to smell like an 8-octave range and Sanrio); I'm pretty sure she owns the rights to all the butterfly images in North America; And she's getting good reviews for her light-mustache acting in Precious. Basically, Mariah Carey can do whatever she wants. And now ...

DVD: Hater:Grown-Ups Is Somehow A Real Movie

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 12:20:00 -0600

Adam Sandler surveys the room. At a long table sit some of his best friends in comedy: David Spade, Kevin James, Chris Rock, and Rob Schneider—who, as always, came with a crate of autographed The Animal DVDs "just in case." Looking at them, Sandler brightens. He feels a dull ache deep in his left knee. This can only mean one of two things: Either it's gonna rain this afternoon, or his body is physically reacting to the energy of all the comedic talent in the room. Sandler knows it's a sure sign that this movie is gonna ...

TV: Hater:Tis The Season For a Boycott!

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 12:00:00 -0600

As we enter into the Christmas season, it's becoming painfully obvious that we as a society are lost. We're turning our back on the light and choosing instead to go fumbling about in the dark. Why, we don't even know the true meaning of Christmas anymore. It's sad, really. Too many people think Christmas is about family or friends or candy canes or celebrating the birth of Christ. But what Christmas is about, what it's always been about, is marketing. Do you know how many bulky red and white sweaters The Gap would sell if ...

TV: Hater:Everybody Loves A Smart Aleck

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 15:23:00 -0600

Do you think your kid is just so smart? Don't you just love it when you have company over and you get to show off your chid's smarts? "She can say all the state capitals!" you shout, over your guests' objections, "No, she loves doing this. Get in here, Porter, and recite all the state capitals. Start with Alabama." Well, now there's (finally) a game show where you can force your lil' idiot savant or child prodigy to do just that but for money! From Reuters: Fox has ordered a new game show from producer Mark Burnett ...

TV: Hater:Oprah's Favorite Thing: Exploiting Horribly Disfigured People

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 10:20:00 -0600

We all know that Oprah's Favorite Things™ are really just symptoms of clinical depression translated into a collection of ugly, useless, soft, expensive, or just plain dumb gifts. But what you may not know is that these Favorite Things™ are not actually Oprah's favorite things. Not even close. This is because Oprah's favorite thing in the world, the thing that she enjoys more than a pile of cashmere throws, or a truckload of Josh Groban CDs, or a refrigerator with a build in flatscreen TV, is to exploit people who no longer have faces. Seriously. She just ...

TV: Hater:What is Euro?

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 15:00:00 -0600

America, are you ready to be inspired? Are you ready to believe that anything is possible? Wouldn't you love to feel again? Of course you would. But how are you going to feel again without a new YouTube clip of a British talent competition? That's the only thing that can cut through the numbness! Well you're in luck, because noted-magic-maker, Simon Cowell, has once again sent you a singing act to stir your long dormant emotions. It's a pair of twin brothers commonly known as "Jedward", and they will change the way you feel about music ...

TV: Hater:No one should dress like Lady Gaga except Lady Gaga, Okay?

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 16:00:00 -0600

If I had to name the three biggest trends for fall/winter 2009/2010, I'd probably go stand in my door frame, hit myself in the forehead with the door a couple hundred times (or until things turn into a bright white pain tunnel, whichever comes first) then I'd stumble back to my desk and write down: 1. Chunky knits, for sure, 2. Baggn's? 3. Snoods. What's a snood, besides possibly the surname of that family of cartoon boogers in the Mucinex commercials, you ask? Why, it's a combination scarf/hood, obviously. Scarf n' hood ...

TV: Hater:Tyler Perry Is Finally Making A Horror Movie!

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 12:00:00 -0600

Tyler Perry is known for three things: 1. Owning his own island (possibly called Tyler Perry's Tyler Perry Island); 2. Creating Madea, the most hilarious fat-suited child-abuser in recent memory; and 3. Refusing to pick a tone in any of his movies. In a way, that last thing is sort of ambitious. "Why can't every movie encompass all tones?" Tyler Perry, director, writer, and star of all Tyler Perry movies seems to be asking. "Why can't I be everything to everybody?" Of course, the answer to those questions are "Because then you won't have a movie ...

TV: Hater:If A Cougar Convention Happens And No One Is Around, Does It Make A Sound

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 15:00:00 -0600

We all know how modern cougars came to be: Some irresponsible handler gave Demi Moore three grains of quinoa after midnight, and pop, pop, pop, a race of cougars was born. Soon they were scratching, and crying, and braying about non-existent underarm fat on our television screens—marking every concievable pop cultural area with their desperation. And now even Demi Moore has agreed that the whole cougar thing is just too much. From People: And about her “cougar” title, Moore prefers “puma.” “I’m certainly not the first person to be in a relationship with a younger man, but somehow ...

TV: Hater:Obama to blame for Lopez Tonight!

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 15:35:00 -0600

Thus far, President Obama has been blamed for a lot of terrible pop-cultural things, from hipster pot bellies, to a possible Independence Day sequel, to some VH1 show about responsible fathering, to pretty much every exhalation by Wil.i.am. And now Obama is being set up as the fall guy for George Lopez's new late-night talk show, Lopez Tonight. From People: People: Why do a talk show? George Lopez: I was inspired by campaigning with Barack Obama and that message of inclusiveness and diversity. It's time for that change to come to TV. Yep. When America chose ...

TV: Hater:Ghost Of Michael Jackson To Appear On British TV

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 15:05:00 -0600

Since he's currently got the number one movie in the country, The Ghost Of Michael Jackson is obviously the most in-demand celebrity ghost interview right now. (Well, besides The Ghost Of Madonna Past, but she never grants interviews, and The Ghost Of Marilyn Monroe, who is too busy haunting the factory where Lindsay Lohan's leggings are manufactured to speak publicly.) But who will get the exclusive Ghost Of Michael Jackson sit-down? Diane Sawyer? Oprah? Barbara Walters? The animatronic Larry King puppet that seamlessly replaced Larry King 5 years ago? A Lays potato chip in which his face mysteriously ...

TV: Hater:Economy Got You Down? Rent Your Kids To The Entertainment Industry!

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 11:15:00 -0600

Do you want to make more money? Sure as Sally Struthers doesn't do those commercials anymore, we all do! And now, if you have children, you can! Simply put your offspring to work in the fields and factories. Children are diligent workers, they're easily intimidated, and many factories need kid employees because their tiny hands are the only ones that can fit in between the big, dangerous cogs of the machines in order to clean them. The children gain valuable menial labor experience and a taste of the drudgery that will come to define their adult lives, while ...

TV: Hater:Show About Cheating, Shockingly, Has No Integrity

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 11:00:00 -0600

There are a lot of awful things in this world—Keith Morrison, egg salad, L.A. Candy—but as terrible as all these things are, you can always take comfort in the fact that most things could never sink as low as the reality show Cheaters. "That show, truly, is the worst thing in the world," you'd remind yourself each night before sinking into a peaceful slumber. (Nothing facillitates a restful night's sleep like identifiying the world's worst thing right before bed. It gives you a sense of order, you know?) In case you're mercifully unfamiliar ...