The Onion

[video] ‘Angelina Jolie Is A Brave, Heroic Woman,’ Says Blogger Who Once Said She Looks Like An Alien

Fri, 17 May 2013 16:40:00 -0400

Sasha Obama becomes suspicious after doing a little digging around on Benghazi, this has to be the year a local miniature golf course goes out of business, and a dude with a knit hat at a party calls beer 'libations.' It's the week of May 17, 2013

[video] Sponsored Content Pretty Fucking Awesome

Fri, 17 May 2013 13:35:00 -0400

Media consumers across the United States are reporting this week that sponsored content—articles and videos paid for by advertisers and distributed by print and digital publications—is easily the coolest fucking published material anyone could...

[video] Possum Gazes Longingly At Family Walking Dog

Fri, 10 May 2013 15:44:00 -0400

A heartbroken Chris Brown always thought Rihanna was the woman he'd beat to death, a mentally unstable man is planning on exhibiting one or two more warning signs before finally doing this, and a snooze button time travler sets his coordinates for 5-minut...

[video] Mentally Unstable Man To Exhibit 1 Or 2 More Warning Signs Before Finally Doing This

Thu, 9 May 2013 13:15:00 -0400

Local mentally ill man Michael Redding, 26, announced his intention Thursday to display one or two further instances of troubling behavior before finally going ahead and carrying out what he has planned.

[video] Malicious Focus Group Convinces Marketers Cinnamon Mountain Dew Is The Next Big Thing

Wed, 8 May 2013 13:11:00 -0400

Following the saboteur antics of a prankster focus group that reportedly convinced company officials the drink was not only palatable but delicious, PepsiCo announced Thursday the launch of its new Mountain Dew CinnaBlast beverage.

[video] Seedless Watermelon Coming To Grips With Fact It’ll Never Be Able To Have Kids

Fri, 3 May 2013 16:27:00 -0400

UMass Dartmouth is beginning to regret offering a course in Applied Domestic Terrorism, a social media rockstar makes $28,000 a year, and Miami Dolphins wide receiver Mike Wallace comes out as a stupid asshole.

[video] Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

Fri, 3 May 2013 13:10:00 -0400

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

[video] Government-Issued PSA Urging Teens To Fuck Their Brains Out

Thu, 2 May 2013 13:46:00 -0400

The above is a 2008 PSA issued by the Department of Health and Human Services in support of the “Fuck Your Brains Out” sex education program.

[video] Middle-Aged Funeral Director Buys Flashy Red Hearse

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 16:20:00 -0400

A study finds that wolf attacks are still the leading cause of death in America, a man says 'fuck it' and eats lunch and 10:58 a.m., and Dzhokar Tsarnaev posts bail.

[video] There Are People In World Who Are Concerned About Current State Of Hip-Hop

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 15:35:00 -0400

A report published Friday by a team of sociologists has confirmed there are apparently people living in the world today who are deeply concerned about the current state of hip-hop and who continually express genuine worry over the musical genre’s fu...

Onion News Empire Official Trailer

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 11:20:00 -0400

Watch Onion News Empire, Episode 1 now.

[video] Catholic Teen's Life Ends At Conception

Fri, 19 Apr 2013 17:05:00 -0400

Next week's school shooting victims thank the members of Senate for failing to pass the gun bill, the cutest guy in an office is not particularly attractive, and an area man is tired of rushing home to hug his loved ones.

[video] VIRAL VIDEO: High School Sophomore Sinks Incredible, Unnecessary Half-Court Shot

Thu, 18 Apr 2013 13:00:00 -0400

Ryan Jurgens rode the bench most of the season, but when his coach gave him a chance, it really paid off!

[video] Cutest Guy In Whole Office Not Even Particularly Attractive

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 16:20:00 -0400

Saying that he’s “okay-looking but definitely nothing special,” employees at Southeastern Publishing Services reported Wednesday that Brian Tyler, a 27-year-old digital communications coordinator widely considered to be the cutest guy in...

[video] Excited Man Only 2 Therapy Sessions Away From Resolving Issues

Fri, 12 Apr 2013 13:00:00 -0400

After over seven years of weekly meetings with his psychiatrist, 35-year-old Chris Vaughan told reporters Friday he is thrilled to be just two 45-minute sessions away from completely resolving all of his problems.

[video] Couple Making Out At Bus Stop Like It's Fucking Paris

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 14:10:00 -0400

According to locals waiting for the westbound number 66 shuttle at Chicago Avenue and Racine Avenue, a young man and woman seated on a bench at the bus stop are currently making out like it’s fucking Paris or something.

[video] How One Hot New Device Helps Couples Drag Out Their Doomed Relationship That Extra Month Or Two

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 12:51:00 -0400

The amazing new "Relationship Pro" video game controller lets both members of a couple pretend they are in a healthy relationship.

[video] Today NOW! Hosts Shake 7UP TEN Cans, Guarantee Explosive New Episode

Tue, 2 Apr 2013 14:45:00 -0400

Watch an all new episode of Today NOW! this Thursday exclusively at theonion.com.

[video] Ashamed Student Affairs Committee Reveals There Aren’t Any Awesome Events Happening On Campus This Weekend

Fri, 29 Mar 2013 12:40:00 -0400

Expressing shame and remorse in an email to the students of Hamilton College on Friday, disgraced student affairs coordinator Jessica Li, 20, regretfully informed undergraduates that there would be no cool events occurring on campus this weekend.

[video] Finance Expert Saves Struggling Zoo By Firing All Employees, Getting Rid of Cages

Thu, 28 Mar 2013 14:00:00 -0400

On Today NOW!, the savvy businessman who turned a zoo on the verge of bankruptcy into a money-making machine shares management tips with Jim and Tracy.

[video] Guy With 10,000 Tweets, 15 Followers About Ready To Hang It Up

Thu, 28 Mar 2013 13:10:00 -0400

Saying that he’s probably done all he could possibly do at this point, Twitter user Aaron Gartner confirmed Tuesday that after posting 10,000 tweets and accumulating just 15 followers, the 26-year-old is pretty much ready to pack it in and discontin...

[Video] Jessica Simpson Goes On Tour To Promote The Novel She Read

Mon, 25 Mar 2013 19:00:00 -0400

The pregnant starlet has finished reading her long-awaited first book and is currently traveling the country to promote the John Grisham thriller to her fans.

[Video] Physicists Confirm They Have Found And Killed The 'God Particle'

Fri, 22 Mar 2013 14:50:00 -0400

CERN researchers confirm that they have finally identified the elusive Higgs Boson particle and destroyed it forever.

[video] Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

Thu, 21 Mar 2013 14:40:00 -0400

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

[video] Authorities On Alert As Hundreds Of Crazed Sociopaths Enter Congressional Chambers

Tue, 19 Mar 2013 16:28:00 -0400

Federal, state, and local law enforcement officials are reportedly on high alert today after a group of dangerous sociopaths entered the chambers of Congress, posing what sources are calling “an extreme risk” to the U.S.