Onion News Network

New Live Poll Allows Pundits To Pander To Viewers In Real Time

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 11:00:28 -0400

In The Know's new live internet poll feature revolutionizes how pundits shamelessly cater to what viewers want to hear.

Mexico Builds Border Wall To Keep Out US Assholes

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 18:00:21 -0400

Citizens across Mexico hope that the new Asshole Wall will stem the tide of assholes that visit from the US each year to aggressively drink, vomit.

Taco Bell's New Green Menu Takes No Ingredients From Nature

Mon, 29 Jun 2009 18:00:42 -0400

Taco Bell boasts zero environmental impact with their new menu which will rely solely on synthetic, lab-produced ingredients.

Obama To Hold Job Performance Review With Every American Worker

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 20:00:05 -0400

The President says the purpose of the performance reviews is to have a little face time to make sure we're all on the same page going forward.

US To Trade Gold Reserves For Cash Through Cash4Gold.com

Fri, 19 Jun 2009 20:00:41 -0400

Treasury officials say the gold has just been in the bottom of some vaults at the US Bullion Depository anyway, and the government needs the money NOW.

Gymnast Shawn Johnson Put To Sleep After Breaking Leg

Mon, 15 Jun 2009 18:02:42 -0400

After gym doctors confirmed the injuries were career-ending, Johnson's trainers said there was no reason to keep her alive.

Congressman Demands To Know Who Left Fish Sandwich To Rot On House Floor

Thu, 11 Jun 2009 11:00:37 -0400

Rep. McCullough cannot even fathom the amount of contempt you'd have to hold for Congress, the American people to do something so inconsiderate.

Obama Drastically Scales Back Goals For America After Visiting Denny's

Mon, 08 Jun 2009 18:00:33 -0400

Obama will abandon complex policies on emissions, clean coal and refocus on achievable goals like applying deodorant daily, learning what to say when you burp.

New BabySafe Ball Makes Shaking Your Infant Guilt And Injury Free

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 13:00:21 -0400

Designed with the frustrated, sleep-deprived parent in mind, the BabySafe Ball can withstand shaking, stabbing, and claims you wish it'd never been born.

Conservatives Warn Quick Sex Change Only Barrier Between Gays, Marriage

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 19:00:00 -0400

Rep. Iscoe warns gays will give penises to lesbians who will give them vaginas so that homosexuals can marry and continue their attack on the American family.

Political Talk Show Host Suddenly Very Interested In Manslaughter Law Loopholes

Thu, 28 May 2009 11:00:25 -0400

Host becomes curiously pushy, sweaty in this roundtable discussion about loopholes in manslaughter law in the US.

Nation's Girlfriends Unveil New Economic Plan: 'Let's Move In Together'

Mon, 25 May 2009 20:00:04 -0400

Girlfriends' spokesperson Kelly Ambrose joins us in the Financial Fallout Shelter to discuss why Boyfriends moving in with them just makes fiscal sense right now.

NHL Tries To Woo Fans By Increasing Scoring With Bigger Nets, 3-Point Line

Wed, 20 May 2009 16:30:37 -0400

Hockey officials hope to attract fans and create a higher-scoring, fast-paced game with a new aerodynamic puck and artificial turf instead of ice.

Police Slog Through 40,000 Insipid Party Pics To Find Cause Of Dorm Fire

Mon, 18 May 2009 20:00:36 -0400

The fire was ruled an accident after a tedious review of thousands of digital photos documenting every second of the five hour party.

Congressman's Son Won't Shut The Hell Up During Hearing

Wed, 13 May 2009 18:30:32 -0400

Congressman Eisley conducts hearing on Market Data Protection Reform, restrains self from murdering five year old son.

Pentagon Reports Army Mascot 'Liberty' Killed in Iraq

Mon, 11 May 2009 20:00:23 -0400

Appointed by Bush in 2003 to distract from the horrors of war, Liberty's antics turned fatal yesterday when he cart-wheeled into a roadside bomb.

Special Boy With Freakishly Large Brain Wins Spelling Bee

Wed, 06 May 2009 18:30:34 -0400

On Today Now!, Jim and Tracy meet James Kimura, a 12-year-old afflicted with the ability to spell long words normal kids don't even care about.

Trekkies Bash New Star Trek Film As 'Fun, Watchable'

Mon, 04 May 2009 20:00:35 -0400

Long time fans of the Star Trek franchise say JJ Abrams' enjoyable, engaging prequel betrays what Star Trek is all about.

Ambassador Stages Coup At UN, Issues Long List of Non-Binding Resolutions

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 18:30:58 -0400

Uganda's Ambassador is threatening to abolish the Committee on Conferences and author the draft calendar of conferences and meetings himself.