Onion News Network

[video] Boy Finds Own Real-Life E.T.

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 11:00:36 -0500

11 year old Thomas Demming visits Today NOW! with the magical friend he hid for weeks in his bedroom closet.

[video] Obama's Home Teleprompter Malfunctions During Family Dinner

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 16:58:00 -0500

Officials say the President's home teleprompter is simply a tool to make sure pillow talk with Michelle or conversations with his Mother-In-Law go smoothly.

[video] Ultra-Realistic Modern Warfare Game Features Awaiting Orders, Repairing Trucks

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 00:00:38 -0500

Designers say the new game explores the endless paperwork, routine patrolling a modern day soldier endures in photorealistic detail.

[video] Ford Unveils New Car For Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 11:00:00 -0500

Ford says the '93 Taurus is the only car to drive in 2010, and they think Americans will have no other choice but to agree.

[video] Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 18:00:27 -0500

An honors student died in the crash today, leaving the nation to wonder why the grisly experience of burning alive was not reserved for Glenn Beck.

[video] Fatal Staples Center Collapse Brings Merciful Early End To Clippers Game

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 05:00:50 -0400

People are breathing a sigh of relief today for the long-suffering spectators' sudden deaths, and for the total elimination of the Clippers' roster off the face of the earth.

[video] How To Find A Masculine Halloween Costume For Your Effeminate Son

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 05:23:11 -0400

Expert stops by Today NOW! to show parents of girly sons costume tips to survive Halloween without accentuating their child's obvious homosexuality.

[video] Gaffe-Prone Biden Embarrasses Nation Yet Again By Sneezing During Meeting

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 10:30:55 -0400

In The Know panelists call Biden's decision to sneeze in the middle of a high level policy meeting 'disgusting' and 'completely inappropriate.'

[video] Bad Boy Fencing Star Implicated In Yet Another Daring Jewel Heist

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 19:19:14 -0400

Steam Room analysts debate whether the International Fencing Federation should rein in this rogue, or if De La Croix will narrowly escape yet again.

[video] Stalker Financial Expert Offers Recession Tips Just For Woman He Follows

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 11:00:16 -0400

Dan Kellogg visits Today NOW! with money tips for one particular woman who forgot to close her bedroom drapes last night.

[video] Obama To Enter Diplomatic Talks With Raging Wildfire

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 07:38:24 -0400

White House officials are confident the President will be able to convince the wildfire to stop incinerating large swaths of land and American homes.

[video] New Anti-Smoking Ads Warn Teens 'It's Gay To Smoke'

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 18:00:29 -0400

The CDC's new anti-smoking campaign effectively reaches teens with a simple message: if you smoke, people are going to know you're totally crazy for butt sex.

[video] Poll: Happy, Healthy Obamas Out Of Touch With Miserable Americans

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 13:00:59 -0400

Panelists discuss whether Obama's openly loving family is a slap in the face to the average American who only bears feelings of resentment towards relatives.

[video] Crime Reporter Finds Way Of Linking Warehouse Fire To Depraved Sex Act

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 18:02:46 -0400

On Raw Justice, host Dean Reid investigates the closed case of an 'accidental' fire and finds shocking new evidence of sexually motivated arson.

[video] Little Boy Heroically Shoots, Mutilates Burglar

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 19:30:44 -0400

8 year old Lucas Armitage has become a national hero after bravely defending his home by shooting a burglar multiple times in the chest and neck.

[video] BREAKING NEWS: BAT LOOSE IN CONGRESS

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 16:20:58 -0400

Congress is deadlocked on the best way to get a bat out of their committee chamber.

[video] Report: Growing Ranks Of Nouveau Poor Facing Discrimination From Old Poor

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 11:00:07 -0400

As Americans rush to join the Nouveau Poor, panelists debate whether the newly poor are capable of integrating with long established poor families from old poverty roots.

[video] U.S. Condemned For Pre-Emptive Use Of Hillary Clinton Against Pakistan

Mon, 14 Sep 2009 20:00:11 -0400

Innocent civilians across the impact zone are picking up the pieces after Secretary of State Clinton's tedious visits to their farms, cultural centers.

[video] Americans Observing 911 By Trying Not To Masturbate

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 11:00:01 -0400

Americans say attending a 911 vigil or observing a moment of silence to only then come home to jerk off is disrespectful and wrong.