Onion News Network

In The Know: Are Politicians Failing Our Lobbyists?

Wed, 14 May 2008 19:00:00 -0400

Panelists discuss the alarming trend of politicians who break their promises to the lobbyists who helped elect them.

Historic Blockbuster Store Offers Glimpse Of How Movies Were Rented In The Past

Mon, 12 May 2008 19:00:00 -0400

The Blockbuster Video Living Museum offers tourists a glimpse of how Americans rented movies in the days before Netflix and iTunes.

Age-Progression Technology Indicates Missing Child A Prostitute By Now

Wed, 07 May 2008 19:00:00 -0400

Today Now! utilizes computer technology to show a mother how rampant drug use and prostitution has ravaged her little girl's body.

McCain Vows To Replace Secret Service With His Own Bare Fists

Mon, 05 May 2008 19:00:00 -0400

John McCain claims that if elected he would save taxpayers millions by eliminating the Secret Service and defending himself instead.

Astronauts Suffer Agonizing, High-Pitched Death After Helium Leak

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 17:27:02 -0400

Two astronauts on the International Space Station display courage, honor, and squeaky voices as they struggle to patch a deadly helium leak.

NHL Star Called Up To Big Leagues To Play For NFL Team

Mon, 28 Apr 2008 19:00:00 -0400

The Miami Dolphins have drafted NHL star Alexander Ovechkin, making his dream to play professional sports a reality.

Study: Nearly 80 Percent Of Roommates Got So Drunk Last Night

Mon, 21 Apr 2008 19:00:00 -0400

A survey by the Shuttleworth Research Center found that the majority of male roommates ages 18-24 got wasted off their asses the previous evening.

Congress Debates Merits Of New Catchphrase

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 19:00:00 -0400

Rep. William Cummings (D-VA) defends his use of the slang word "pronk" as a legitimate catchphrase.

Wildly Popular 'Iron Man' Trailer To Be Adapted Into Full-Length Film

Mon, 14 Apr 2008 19:00:00 -0400

Fans are worried that the feature film adaptation of the beloved trailer won't live up to the original 90-second story's vision.

Suspicious Package Industry Falls On Hard Times

Wed, 09 Apr 2008 19:00:00 -0400

New security measures put in place to allay terror fears are threatening to drive suspicious package retailers out of business.

Plight Of Missing Hikers Will Make Great Movie

Mon, 07 Apr 2008 19:00:00 -0400

Media speculation is rampant over what exciting action sequences and romantic subplots the hikers may be experiencing if they are still alive.

Hungry FDA Official Orders Massive Pot Pie Recall

Wed, 02 Apr 2008 19:00:00 -0400

The FDA is urging all Americans in possession of flaky, delicious pot pies to turn them in to FDA headquarters as soon as possible.

911 Conspiracy Theories 'Ridiculous,' Al Qaeda Says

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 19:14:30 -0400

An Al Qaeda representative says that claims the U.S. government was behind the attacks on Sept. 11th are demeaning to Al Qaeda.

Today Now! Host Tracy Gill Recommends New Tracy Gill Biography

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 19:00:00 -0400

Tracy Gill talks with the author of a new book about the morning show diva we all love to hate: Tracy Gill.

China Celebrates Its Status As Worlds Number One Air Polluter

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 19:00:00 -0400

China revels in a UN report that found it has the highest smog levels in the world, a sure sign of Chinas progress and prosperity.

White House Press Secretary Spins Wifes Tragic Death As A Positive

Wed, 19 Mar 2008 19:00:00 -0400

Press Secretary Ted Barrett deflects questions about the gruesome car wreck that killed his wife hours ago in order to focus on the President's agenda.

Army Holds Annual 'Bring Your Daughter To War' Day

Mon, 17 Mar 2008 19:30:00 -0400

Girls between the ages of 8 and 14 spent the day helping their parents fight insurgents and defuse mines.

Delicious Snacks Distract Congressmen From Horrors Of War

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 14:46:46 -0400

A congressional committee discussing Iraq War casualty levels approves of the tasty chips and salsa Rep. Benjamin Sinclair (R-OH) brought to the hearing.