The Onion

[video] Meet The Man Inside The Nicolas Cage Costume

Wed, 8 Feb 2012 13:00:00 -0500

Star Fix has an exclusive interview with the man who has enchanted audiences for the last 30 years playing the delightfully wacky, oversized puppet of Nicolas Cage.

GOP Introduces New "Mystery Candidate" With Paper Bag Over Head

Mon, 6 Feb 2012 10:15:00 -0500

Republicans will reveal the identity of the Mystery Candidate only after he, or she, wins the election.

[video] Brain-Dead Teen, Only Capable Of Rolling Eyes And Texting, To Be Euthanized

Tue, 31 Jan 2012 14:15:00 -0500

The parents of 13-year old Caitlin Teagart have decided to end her life, saying she can now do nothing but lay on the couch and whine about things being "gay."

Panelists Discussing GOP Debate Clearly Didn't Watch It

Mon, 30 Jan 2012 10:55:00 -0500

First Responders attempt to bluff their way through a discussion of the most recent Republican debate.

[video] Football Fans Excited To Watch Patriots Or Giants Lose Super Bowl

Thu, 26 Jan 2012 14:30:00 -0500

Reggie tries not to agree with Doc as they discuss the soon-to-be Super Bowl losers, who the hell Marco Scutaro is, and Tom Coughlin’s impending death at the hands of Bill Belichick.

[video] Tyler Perry Expands His Fan Base With New Films About Sassy, Chinese Grandmother

Wed, 25 Jan 2012 13:00:00 -0500

Tyler Perry has signed a $50 million deal to expand his franchise to include films targeted at the world's 1.4 billion Chinese moviegoers.

[video] Dead Wife And Kids Replaced By Miniature Horses

Tue, 24 Jan 2012 15:00:00 -0500

Jim and Tracy partner with the "Bridles of Hope" charity to replace the wife Don Groton lost to a drunk driver with a beautiful miniature horse.

2011 In Review: Nation Shocked To Find Out Elizabeth Taylor Wasn't Already Dead

Mon, 23 Jan 2012 14:00:00 -0500

As part of the 2011 Year In Review, Tucker remembers Elizabeth Taylor, Amy Winehouse, and Randy Savage.

[video] Justin Timberlake Wins Golden Globe For Funniest Goofball At His Table

Wed, 18 Jan 2012 13:00:00 -0500

Justin Timberlake finally receives the recognition he deserves for being everybody's favorite jokester.

[video] Critics Slam Obama For "Just Standing There" During Photo Op

Tue, 17 Jan 2012 13:00:00 -0500

Guests on the Onion News Network's new political-debate show "The Beltway" decide who's leading and who's bleeding in the 24-hour political battle royale.

2011 Top Story: One Of Arizona's Many Crazed Gunmen Shoots Congresswoman

Mon, 16 Jan 2012 15:00:00 -0500

In a top story from 2011, member of Congress Gabby Giffords was injured in one of the hundreds of shootings that occur every day in Arizona.

[video] Minnesota Braces For Return Of Bachmann's Full Attention

Fri, 13 Jan 2012 15:53:00 -0500

A fight kind of runs out of steam 15 seconds in, George Washington laments that his vision of the future has not been realized, and Philip Morris releases its new line of Marlboro PM cigarettes.

Jay-Z Fans Brace Themselves For Onslaught Of Horrible Odes To Baby

Fri, 13 Jan 2012 10:15:00 -0500

Following the news of Beyonce's pregnancy, Jay-Z fans are bracing for a slew of unbearable songs about the importance of being a dad.

[video] Grover Norquist: 'I Engaged In A Week-Long Drug-Fueled Orgy With Corporate Income Taxes'

Thu, 12 Jan 2012 11:24:00 -0500

President of Americans for Tax Reform Grover Norquist confirms that he carried on a 28-year salacious affair with taxes.

[video] Witch Who Granted Beyoncé Beauty And Fame Takes Singer's First-Born Child

Tue, 10 Jan 2012 10:15:00 -0500

Moments after Beyoncé gave birth, a witch appeared in a cloud of smoke to claim the child as her payment for giving the singer fame, beauty, and talent.

2011 Top Story: Queen Beds Kate Middleton In Royal Tradition

Mon, 9 Jan 2012 14:00:00 -0500

In a major 2011 story, Queen Elizabeth claimed her sovereign right to deflower Kate Middleton immediately following the royal wedding.

[video] Feds Break Up Brutal Las Vegas Man-Fighting Ring

Fri, 6 Jan 2012 14:00:00 -0500

President Obama asks the nation this week why on Earth he would want to serve for another term, a Christmas card ominously makes no mention of the twins, and the prime minister of Norway gets laid.

Did The Media Treat Bachmann Unfairly Because She's An Insane Woman?

Thu, 5 Jan 2012 16:30:00 -0500

The First Responders debate whether the media is harder on Michele Bachmann because she is a woman who is crazy.

[video] Surgeon General: Smoking Fine As Long As You Only Do It When You Drink

Tue, 3 Jan 2012 13:00:00 -0500

The office of the Surgeon General holds a live press conference to explain that no one has ever gotten cancer from just bumming a couple cigarettes at a party.

2011 Top Story: Japanese Nuclear Reactor Totally Safe Says Two-Headed Plant Official

Mon, 2 Jan 2012 13:30:00 -0500

In a major story from early 2011, Japanese nuclear plant officials assured the public a damaged reactor posed no radiation risk as they vomited up blood.

[video] Traveling Group Of Medieval Mummers Is America's Top Pick For Holiday Entertainment

Tue, 20 Dec 2011 12:55:00 -0500

The must-see hit of the holidays is a group of medieval mummers, who are going door-to-door singing old-fashioned ballads and acting out jovial plays in return for mugs of ale and gold pieces.

2011 Top Story: Navy SEALS Discover Bin Laden Gained 300 Pounds

Mon, 19 Dec 2011 16:55:00 -0500

In one of the biggest stories of 2011, U.S. Special Forces shot and killed bin Laden and then removed his obese body from his compound with a forklift.

[video] Study: 96 Percent Of Humans Would Rather Be Animatronic Bear - Year In Review

Fri, 16 Dec 2011 15:50:00 -0500

This week, The Onion Review takes a look back at some of the most important news stories that shaped our lives in 2011.

Pop Star's Single, 'Booty Wave', Most Likely Civilization's Downfall

Mon, 12 Dec 2011 13:00:00 -0500

Multi-millionaire pop sensation, K'ronikka, appears on Today Now! completely unaware that she is responsible for the deterioration of civilized society.

[video] Report: Nobody's Heard From David Blaine In A While, Somebody Should Probably Check If He Died In One Of Those Things

Fri, 9 Dec 2011 14:40:00 -0500

Secretary of Agriculture Tom Vilsack continues his good-will tour to improve relations with foreign produce, a burglar makes sure to crack the glass on a family portrait before leaving, and an excited groom sends text messages to his buddies during his br...