The Onion

Audience At Press Conference Relieved To Hear Steps Will Be Taken

Wed, 19 Jun 2013 13:30:00 -0400

WASHINGTON—Calling a press conference Wednesday to address a matter of grave seriousness, a major public organization reportedly reassured those in attendance that steps will be taken and that every effort will be made to rectify the problem if one ...

Kidnapping Going Pretty Smoothly

Wed, 19 Jun 2013 13:15:00 -0400

ST. LOUIS—While admitting he’d been nervous at first about the seriousness of the felony he was committing, local kidnapper Milt Horton reported Wednesday that his abduction and ransoming of a 7-year-old boy “could not be going any more ...

U.S. Citizenry Admits It Could Kind Of Go For Charismatic Authoritarian Dictator

Wed, 19 Jun 2013 13:00:00 -0400

WASHINGTON—According to a Pew Research Center poll conducted this week, the overwhelming majority of Americans admitted they would actually be fairly interested in having a magnetic, forceful dictator oversee and control all aspects of American soci...

American Voices: Study: Media Biased In Support Of Gay Marriage

Wed, 19 Jun 2013 10:00:00 -0400

A survey found that media stories that focused on support for same-sex marriage appeared five times more often than those that focused on opposition to the issue, while responses on Twitter were far more evenly divided between the supporting and opposing ...

American Voices: Supreme Court Blocks Arizona Voter ID Law

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 17:30:00 -0400

The Supreme Court struck down a controversial Arizona law yesterday that required residents to provide proof of U.S.

Slideshow: 8 People Having A Way Better Day Than You, Although Perhaps It Is Reckless To Make A Snap Judgement About Another Person’s Life Based Solely On An Image

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 17:05:00 -0400

8 People Having A Way Better Day Than You, Although Perhaps It Is Reckless To Make A Snap Judgement About Another Person’s Life Based Solely On An Image

Ahmadinejad Signs On As Dean At Sarah Lawrence

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 16:00:00 -0400

BRONXVILLE, NY—Building on a decades-long career serving government and academic institutions in his home country, outgoing Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad officially accepted a position at Sarah Lawrence College as the next Dean of Students, ...

Nation Admits It Always A Little Bored By Whole Jimmy Hoffa Thing

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 15:10:00 -0400

DETROIT—Following reports today that a new tip has prompted a renewed FBI search for the body of Jimmy Hoffa, the U.S.

Italy, Japan Advance To G8 Finals

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 15:00:00 -0400

ENNISKILLEN, NORTHERN IRELAND—On the heels of eliminating the United Kingdom in their highly anticipated Tuesday afternoon matchup, Italy has joined Japan to become the first two nations in the G8 Finals, sources confirmed.

[video] Will Season Four Of ‘Downton Abbey’ Finally Show The Wizards Using Their Powers?

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 15:00:00 -0400

The popular series about a castle full of wizards and magical servants has been surprisingly magic-free so far, but hopefully that will change in the fourth season.

Syrian Rebels, Government Think It’s About Time To Call Syria A Day

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 14:45:00 -0400

DAMASCUS—Two years into a devastating civil war that has left nearly 100,000 dead, caused incalculable destruction, and all but ruined the prospects of even a tenuous peace, rebel forces and the nation’s government agreed today that it’s...

NBA Experts Rule Out All The Things NBA Finals Won’t Come Down To

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 14:30:00 -0400

MIAMI—As the San Antonio Spurs and the Miami Heat prepare to face off in Tuesday’s Game 6 matchup, a group of NBA experts reportedly ruled out all of the things that the Finals will not come down to, including library books, the 1991 action-co...

Financial Sector Thinks It’s About Ready To Ruin World Again

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 14:00:00 -0400

NEW YORK—Claiming that enough time had surely passed since they last caused a global economic meltdown, top executives from the U.S. financial sector told reporters Monday that they are just about ready to completely destroy the world again.

Sources: You Don’t Want To Know What Currently Happening To Saudi Arabian Woman

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 13:00:00 -0400

JEDDAH, SAUDI ARABIA—Solemn-faced sources confirmed today that you do not want to know anything at all about what is happening at this very moment to 36-year-old Saudi Arabian woman Assi Omran.

Opinion: Sometimes When Things Get Really Stressful, I Close My Eyes, Sit Back, And Pretend I’m Back In Kenya (by Barack Obama)

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 12:30:00 -0400

By Barack Obama

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 18, 2013

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 12:00:00 -0400

Aries You're not the type of guy who gets all mushy, but that will change this week, when they leave you out in the sun. Taurus You bring out the very best in those around you. This week, those around you will include fo...

American Voices: Mick Jagger’s Hair Up For Auction

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 10:30:00 -0400

A British auction house will sell several locks of Mick Jagger’s hair, which are expected to fetch between $2,300 and $3,100, and which are said to date back to the mid-1960s, when the grandmother of a woman who was then dating the Rolling Stones fr...

Slideshow: The Land Of The Free: 10 Ways You KNOW You’re Living In The Greatest Country On Earth

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 17:00:00 -0400

The Land Of The Free: 10 Ways You KNOW You’re Living In The Greatest Country On Earth

American Voices: Kim Kardashian, Kanye West Have Daughter

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 17:00:00 -0400

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian welcomed a healthy daughter into the world Saturday, with the newborn weighing in at less than 5 pounds and the parents saying they would choose a name that begins with the letter K.

‘Whitey Bulger Ordered The Murder Of 19 People,’ Reports Anonymous Rat Bastard

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 16:25:00 -0400

BOSTON—One week into the criminal trial of alleged mobster James “Whitey” Bulger, reports surfaced Monday that the accused organized crime kingpin ordered the murders of 19 separate people, according to anonymous testimony from a cheese-...

Nelson Mandela Admits Thoughts, Prayers Of Millions Played No Part In Recovery

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 15:00:00 -0400

PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA—Addressing supporters Monday from the hospital bed where he is being treated for a recurring lung infection, former South African president Nelson Mandela admitted that the millions of thoughts, prayers, and well-wishes he has...

New Iranian President Really Impressed With Country’s Nuclear Arms Program

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 15:00:00 -0400

TEHRAN—After touring various energy plants and fusion reactors throughout the country, newly elected Iranian President Hasan Rowhani told reporters Monday that he is incredibly impressed with the Islamic republic’s advanced nuclear weapons pro...

[video] The Onion Looks Back At 'The Wizard Of Oz'

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 14:15:00 -0400

The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Ronsenthal examines ‘The Wizard of Oz’ in this week’s Film Standard

Michelle Obama Seen Outside Walking Family Rhinoceros

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 13:40:00 -0400

WASHINGTON—Spectators outside the White House received a rare treat this morning when they witnessed First Lady Michelle Obama on the South Lawn going for a stroll with the family’s pet rhinoceros, Chauncey.

Infographic: Superman Turns 75

Mon, 17 Jun 2013 13:00:00 -0400

Superman’s legacy began 75 years ago this month with his first appearance in the inaugural issue of Action Comics, and continued last weekend with the release of the blockbuster film Man Of Steel.