The Onion

Carlos Beltran First Player To Homer From Three Sides Of The Plate

Sat, 26 May 2012 01:00:00 GMT

Carlos Beltran First Player To Homer From Three Sides Of The Plate

Phoenix Coyotes Pretend Homeless Drifters At Greyhound Bus Station Are Fans Welcoming Team Home

Fri, 25 May 2012 23:00:00 GMT

PHOENIX—Upon returning from their elimination from the Western Conference Finals Tuesday, the Phoenix Coyotes convinced themselves that the homeless drifters occupying the Greyhound bus station were adoring fans waiting to welcome them back.

TV Listings: Friends Of Friends

Fri, 25 May 2012 22:00:00 GMT

NBC 9:00 p.m. EST/8:00 p.m. CST In tonight's episode of this spin-off of the classic '90s sitcom, Charlie and five other more-or-less strangers awkwardly talk about what a great guy Ross is while trying to discreetly check the time.

FOX CHAPEL, PA—While playing with his mom's iPhone, 7-year-old Gus Elliott was horrified to find the video of his birth was still up on YouTube.

Fri, 25 May 2012 21:00:00 GMT

FOX CHAPEL, PA—While playing with his mom's iPhone, 7-year-old Gus Elliott was horrified to find the video of his birth was still up on YouTube.

American Voices: U.S. Cuts Aid To Pakistan

Fri, 25 May 2012 20:00:00 GMT

The Senate Appropriations Committee voted 30-0 to cut aid to Pakistan by $33 million after the country’s government arrested and sentenced a doctor who tipped off the United States to Osama bin Laden's location.

Man Who Just Received Complimentary Daffy Duck Checks Can't Stay Mad At Bank Of America

Fri, 25 May 2012 19:30:00 GMT

Man Who Just Received Complimentary Daffy Duck Checks Can't Stay Mad At Bank Of America

[video] Romney To Undergo Gender Reassignment Surgery To Better Connect With Women Voters

Fri, 25 May 2012 18:30:00 GMT

Joe Biden plans to honor fallen U.S. soldiers by jumping his motorcycle over the Vietnam Memorial, Thomas the Tank Engine is a little uneasy with his broad autistic following, and a friend who said goodbye 10 minutes ago is still on Gchat.

Magazine: 10 Ways To Wow Slovenian Philosopher Slavoj Žižek In Bed

Fri, 25 May 2012 17:30:00 GMT

10 Ways To Wow Slovenian Philosopher Slavoj Žižek In Bed

Wrigley Field Supporters Propose Tearing Down Rest Of Chicago

Fri, 25 May 2012 17:00:00 GMT

CHICAGO—A coalition of die-hard Cubs fans and Wrigley Field supporters introduced a drastic proposal at a Chicago city council meeting Tuesday, angrily calling for the demolition of the expensive, obsolete, 175-year-old city surrounding the beloved ...

Thomas The Tank Engine A Little Uneasy With His Broad Autistic Following

Fri, 25 May 2012 16:05:00 GMT

ISLAND OF SODOR—Thomas the Tank Engine told reporters Tuesday that while he's glad trains are a source of fascination and joy for so many children, he often feels uncomfortable with the attention he receives from the autistic fans that make up the m...

American Voices: 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' Series Reaches 10 Million Sales

Fri, 25 May 2012 15:15:00 GMT

Publishing house Vintage has sold 10 million copies of the erotica trilogy Fifty Shades Of Grey in multiple formats in an astonishing six weeks.

Biden To Honor Fallen Soldiers By Jumping Motorcycle Over Vietnam Memorial

Fri, 25 May 2012 14:15:00 GMT

WASHINGTON—In an effort to honor fallen American soldiers this Memorial Day with a fittingly "badass" tribute, Vice President Joe Biden has announced plans to jump a motorcycle over the entire length of the Vietnam Veterans Memorial. Biden...

[audio] Local Man Gets Stabbing Right On 47th Try

Fri, 25 May 2012 13:30:00 GMT

Local Man Gets Stabbing Right On 47th Try

Reggie Bush Listed As Product For Sale On Nike's Web Site

Thu, 24 May 2012 21:30:00 GMT

Reggie Bush Listed As Product For Sale On Nike's Web Site

American Voices: Suspect Arrested In Etan Patz Case

Thu, 24 May 2012 20:00:00 GMT

A suspect in the 1979 disappearance of 6-year-old Etan Patz, the first missing child to be put on a milk carton, was taken into custody.

Statshot: Least Popular Hotel Perks

Thu, 24 May 2012 19:00:00 GMT

Least Popular Hotel Perks

Development Exec Wants To See What, Where, How That Would Look, Live, Play Out

Thu, 24 May 2012 18:00:00 GMT

Development Exec Wants To See What, Where, How That Would Look, Live, Play Out

Infographic: Skechers To Pay For Dubious Fitness Claims

Thu, 24 May 2012 17:00:00 GMT

Shoe company Skechers, whose rounded-bottom Shape-Up brand was purported to have been good for weight loss and overall fitness, has been ordered by the Federal Trade Commission to pay out more than $40 million in refunds.

Visiting Parents Unknowingly Strike Up Conversation With Parents Of Dorm's Blowjob Queen

Thu, 24 May 2012 16:00:00 GMT

BOSTON— As they helped their son move out of Boston University's Warren Towers dormitory Wednesday, the parents of student Jay Wiernick struck up a conversation with the parents of fellow student Elaine Marcone, reportedly oblivious to the fact that...

American Voices: U.S. Census Overcounted By 36,000

Thu, 24 May 2012 15:15:00 GMT

A survey revealed that the 2010 census counted an extra 36,000 people, or 0.01 percent, because of duplicate forms and deaths, which is down from the 0.49 percent overcount in the 2000 census.

Quiet Temp Actually Very Untalented Singer-Songwriter

Thu, 24 May 2012 14:15:00 GMT

PITTSBURGH—Having established a reputation among the Flagstone Marketing staff as a quiet and reserved temporary worker, Kevin Bright completely shocked his coworkers this week when it was discovered that, outside the office, the mild-mannered...

[audio] Nation's Cotton Candy Crop Ravaged By Carnival Weevils

Thu, 24 May 2012 13:30:00 GMT

Nation's Cotton Candy Crop Ravaged By Carnival Weevils

Tim Tebow Impressing Broncos With Absence

Wed, 23 May 2012 23:00:00 GMT

Tim Tebow Impressing Broncos With Absence

TV Listings: B

Wed, 23 May 2012 22:00:00 GMT

ABC 8:30 p.m. EST/7:30 p.m. CST In the tradition of ABC's B-related shows GCB and Don’t Trust The B---- In Apt 23 comes a show about a total B.

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Beth Myers, 42, knew her husband was probably just joking around, but how did he get the hospital to let him use the emergency room like that?

Wed, 23 May 2012 21:00:00 GMT

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Beth Myers, 42, knew her husband was probably just joking around, but how did he get the hospital to let him use the emergency room like that?