The Onion

3-Day Weekend Practically Already Over

Sat, 25 May 2013 12:00:00 -0400

WASHINGTON—According to sources, the long Memorial Day weekend in honor of Monday’s federal holiday is practically over already, with the hours left in said weekend dwindling away at an increasingly rapid pace even as you read this news articl...

Infographic: Timeline Of The War On Terror

Fri, 24 May 2013 15:40:00 -0400

0 AD–September 11, 2001: Everything fine September 11, 2001: September 11, 2001 September 12, 2001: A determined George W. Bush responds to the Sept. 11 attacks by swiftly promising two failed wars, a nearly 10-year manhunt for...

[video] Gay Scouts Forced To Wear Special Merit Badge

Fri, 24 May 2013 15:15:00 -0400

The nation dredges up its last remaining reserves of grief, a study finds that anxiety can be resolved if you think about it real hard, and a woman who cracked three separate iPhone screens is expecting a baby boy this August. It's the week of May 24, 2013.

Tim Duncan Encourages Teammates To Be Fathers First, Basketball Players Second

Fri, 24 May 2013 15:00:00 -0400

SAN ANTONIO—In an effort to inspire the team before Game 3 of the Western Conference Finals, Spurs captain Tim Duncan reportedly reminded his teammates Friday to always put their duties as fathers before their jobs as basketball players.

[Video] Xbox One Capable Of Controlling Users With Simple Voice Commands

Fri, 24 May 2013 14:30:00 -0400

Microsoft says their new Xbox features a host of simple voice commands that will easily control and instruct gamers.

Slideshow: 10 Things You HAVE To Know Before ‘Arrested Development’ Returns

Fri, 24 May 2013 14:20:00 -0400

10 Things You HAVE To Know Before ‘Arrested Development’ Returns

Magazine: How One Man Defied The Critics Who Said Large-Breasted Models Couldn't Sell Funny T-Shirts

Fri, 24 May 2013 14:15:00 -0400

How One Man Defied The Critics Who Said Large-Breasted Models Couldn't Sell Funny T-Shirts

Boss Born In 1991

Fri, 24 May 2013 13:30:00 -0400

Boss Born In 1991

Biden Investigated For Questionable Workers’ Comp Claim

Fri, 24 May 2013 12:15:00 -0400

WASHINGTON—Weeks after accepting a workers’ compensation settlement for a personal injury he purportedly sustained on the job, Vice President Joe Biden is under investigation for allegedly filing a fraudulent claim, sources confirmed Friday.

American Voices: Boy Scouts To Allow Gay Members, Ban Gay Leaders

Fri, 24 May 2013 10:30:00 -0400

The Boy Scouts of America voted during their annual meeting yesterday to allow the admittance of openly gay youths into the scouting program, while maintaining the organization’s ban on homosexual adults as scout leaders.

Gay Kid Excited To Be Made Fun Of For Second Thing

Thu, 23 May 2013 18:24:00 -0400

SUGAR LAND, TX—Shortly after reports surfaced today that the Boy Scouts of America had voted to lift its ban on gay youths, local homosexual child Max Lovell, 14, told reporters that he was looking forward to joining the organization and finally bei...

American Voices: U.S. Admits To Killing Americans In Drone Strikes

Thu, 23 May 2013 16:48:00 -0400

The government confirmed for the first time that it has killed Americans in strikes by unmanned aerial drones, killing four U.S.

Opinion: The Events Depicted In ‘Star Wars’ Actually Happened To Me (by George Lucas)

Thu, 23 May 2013 16:02:00 -0400

By George Lucas

Restaurant's Extreme Burger Challenge Moved Down To Regular Menu

Thu, 23 May 2013 15:45:00 -0400

COLUMBUS, OH—According to staff at Dusty’s Kitchen, the local restaurant’s extreme burger challenge, formerly described as “an insurmountable mountain of beef and cheese,” has recently been moved down to the regular dinner me...

Sportsgraphic: Highlights From David Beckham’s Career

Thu, 23 May 2013 15:25:00 -0400

With David Beckham retiring last week, Onion Sports examines notable moments from the soccer player’s illustrious 21-year career.

Slideshow: 9 Photos Of Jennifer Lawrence That Will Make You Reassess The Scope Of The 1986 Vienna Convention On The Law Of Treaties Between States And International Organizations

Thu, 23 May 2013 14:50:00 -0400

9 Photos Of Jennifer Lawrence That Will Make You Reassess The Scope Of The 1986 Vienna Convention On The Law Of Treaties Between States And International Organizations

Gummi Bear Emerges From Digestive Tract Unharmed

Thu, 23 May 2013 13:40:00 -0400

Gummi Bear Emerges From Digestive Tract Unharmed

[video] Web Series Reaches 100 Views

Thu, 23 May 2013 13:10:00 -0400

A comedic webisode about two roommates became a viral sensation this week after reaching the unprecedented 100 view milestone.

Man Eating McChicken Sandwich Can Tell McDonald's Switched Up Antibiotics

Thu, 23 May 2013 12:10:00 -0400

SEATTLE—Citing “subtle notes of ethambutol and clindamycin,” longtime McDonald’s customer Chris Hingle reported Thursday that he could discern from the taste of his McChicken sandwich a definite change in the antibiotics the fast f...

Statshot: Least Effective Cat Calls

Thu, 23 May 2013 12:00:00 -0400

Least Effective Cat Calls

Dwight Howard Interested In Ruining Rockets

Thu, 23 May 2013 11:50:00 -0400

LOS ANGELES—Ahead of his impending free agency, Lakers center Dwight Howard told reporters Thursday that he is “very interested” in moving to Houston and completely ruining the Rockets.

American Voices: NASA Developing 3D Food Printer

Thu, 23 May 2013 10:15:00 -0400

Aiming to feed astronauts efficiently on long space missions in the future, NASA has awarded a $125,000 grant to develop a printer that can create three-dimensional food items, which will use cartridges containing edible powders that have a shelf life of ...

Miami Heat Unprepared For Chainsaw-Wielding Pacers

Wed, 22 May 2013 20:30:00 -0400

MIAMI—During Game 1 of the Eastern Conference Finals, players on the Miami Heat confirmed Wednesday that they were wholly unprepared for the aggressive brand of basketball played by the chainsaw-wielding members of the Indiana Pacers squad.

American Voices: Photos Of Bin Laden's Body To Stay Secret

Wed, 22 May 2013 18:00:00 -0400

A federal court ruled that the government does not have to release photographs of the body of Osama bin Laden taken after he was shot dead in 2011, claiming the images could incite violence against the U.S.

Kate Middleton Suffering From Morning Sickness

Wed, 22 May 2013 17:00:00 -0400

LONDON—Just two months away from Kate Middleton’s speculated July due date, sources close to the Royal Family confirmed today the pregnant Duchess of Cambridge is in the throes of yet another case of morning sickness.