The Onion

Sports: Oversensitive Quarterback Reads Too Much Into Defense

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 10:41:16 -0500

OMAHA, NE—Nebraska State coaches said quarterback Joshua Adams was reading far too much into the positioning and schemes of the opposing...

In Focus: Former Editor Can't Believe Shit College Newspaper Is Printing

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 10:23:51 -0500

NEW YORK—"It's clear the new people don't give a shit, and believe me, that kind of thing starts at the top," Troy Bartell said of the newspaper's lack of journalistic integrity.

Poll: 100% Of Grandsons Talented

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 10:00:50 -0500

ATLANTA—A Zogby poll of 1,542 American grandparents published Monday found that grandsons were described as "very" to "extremely" talented...

Berlin Wall Came Down 20 Years Ago

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 09:31:06 -0500

On Nov 9, 1989, the East German government announced that it would allow free travel between East and West Germany, an act that eventually led to the...

Alternate-Universe Sci-Fi Channel Show Asks What Would Happen If Germany Lost War

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 02:11:45 -0500

NEW MUNICH—"Imagine, if you will, a world in which Hitler's celebrated master plan had ended in ignominious failure, and the Allies had somehow emerged the victors," the show's creator, Leonhardt Riefenstahl, said during an appearance on Entertainment Heute Nacht.

[audio] Bush, Al-Zeidi Tour World Recreating Shoe-Throwing Incident

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 22:48:19 -0500

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

Sexualized Octogenarian Flapper Girl Still Earning Living For Someone

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 11:09:22 -0500

News In Photos

Sports: Shaq, Cavaliers Start To Bond After Rollerblading Around Cleveland

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 10:39:17 -0500

CLEVELAND—After strapping on inline skates for the first time ever Monday, Cavaliers center Shaquille O'Neal and his new teammates bonded while Rollerblading through the streets of Cleveland.

College Freshman Makes Triumphant Return To High School

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 09:05:41 -0500

COCONUT CREEK, FL—"I'm back, Bayshore High," 18-year-old Henry Doyle announced as he pulled his mother's Toyota Camry slowly into the parking lot normally reserved for faculty, emerging with a knowing grin. "Bet you never thought you'd see the likes of me again!"

[audio] Scientists Dissect Coworker To Find Out More About Scientists

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 20:02:36 -0500

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

In Focus: Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 11:39:00 -0500

PESHTIGO, WI--After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Sports: 95-Year-Old Yankees Fan Afraid He'll Never Get To See Team Win 27 More World Series

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 10:38:24 -0500

NEW YORK—Michael Grippo, a 95-year-old Bronx native, told reporters Wednesday that he is "worried sick" that he won't live to see the Yankees win another 27 World Series titles.

Just Area Man's Luck

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 10:00:15 -0500

KENOSHA, WI—Amid questions as to why this kind of shit always happens to him, area resident Patrick Kennedy told reporters Monday it was...

Ohio Legalized Casinos

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 09:30:45 -0500

Voters in Ohio approved a plan to open casinos in the state's four largest cities. What do you think?

Entire Office Unsure What To Do About Bawling Coworker

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 09:00:09 -0500

FINDLAY,OH—The entire office staff of Altman & Hanson Accounting remained utterly baffled as to what, if anything, should be done in response to the prominent sobbing coming from the cubicle of 36-year-old clerk Jack Underwood, sources reported today.

[audio] Dept. Of Defense Locked Out Of Pentagon Again

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 20:00:57 -0500

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

Sports: Brett Favre Avenges Storied 16-Year Career With Packers

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 14:00:22 -0500

GREEN BAY, WI—Brett Favre beat the Green Bay Packers on Sunday for the second time this season, his decisive 38-26 victory exacting some...

In Focus: Idiom Shortage Leaves Nation All Sewed Up In Horse Pies

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 11:36:02 -0500

WASHINGTON—Authorities expect the shortage to subside by April, but until then, urge citizens to skip shy the rickshaw until the flypaper marigolds can waterfall.

Ask The Online Reviews Of A New Tex-Mex Restaurant

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 11:00:10 -0500

Dear The Online Reviews Of A New Tex-Mex Restaurant, For the past six weeks, my husband and I have been remodeling our master...

[video] Ford Unveils New Car For Cash-Strapped Buyers: The 1993 Taurus

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 11:00:00 -0500

Ford says the '93 Taurus is the only car to drive in 2010, and they think Americans will have no other choice but to agree.

1999 Collaboration Between Carlos Santana, Rob Thomas Somehow Standing Test Of Time

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 10:00:39 -0500

LOS ANGELES—Sources reported Monday that "Smooth," the 1999 collaborative effort of guitarist Carlos Santana and singer-songwriter Rob...

Sports: 40,000 Revenge-Seeking Bats Descend Upon Manu Ginobili

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 09:51:37 -0500

News In Photos

ATT Claims Verizon Lied About Coverage

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 09:30:49 -0500

Telecommunications giant AT&T is suing Verizon Wireless for ads Verizon ran suggesting AT&T had gaps in its network. What do you think?

Sports: New York Marathon Winner Tests Positive For Performance-Enhancing Horse

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 09:00:51 -0500

NEW YORK—Officials from New York Road Runners stripped American Meb Keflezighi of his 2009 ING New York City Marathon victory Wednesday after a blood sample taken from his fetlock was found to contain high levels of performance-enhancing horse.