The Onion

Nation's Music Snobs Protest Predictable Use Of Metallica, Pantera To Torture Prisoners

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 09:00:33 -0500

WASHINGTON—"What those poor people have had to suffer through is a terrible, shameful travesty," said Rolling Stone's David Fricke. "Can you imagine being forced to listen to Deicide and Drowning Pool all day long?"

In Focus: Overweight College Student Announces Plans To Wear Shorts, Sandals For Rest Of Year

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 12:06:24 -0500

STATE COLLEGE, PA—Kyle Norton stated that he would also forgo a winter coat and continue to don the same coffee-stained sweatshirt he has been wearing since mid-October.

Senator Byrd The Longest-Serving Lawmaker

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 10:37:54 -0500

After more than 56 years in office, 92-year-old Sen. Robert C. Byrd (D-WV) has become the longest-serving member of Congress. What do you...

Sports: LeBron James Encourages NBA To Stop Jumping In Honor Of Michael Jordan

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 10:30:23 -0500

WASHINGTON—Prior to Wednesday's game against the Washington Wizards, Cleveland Cavaliers all-star LeBron James announced that he would stop jumping during professional basketball games in order to properly honor recent Hall of Fame inductee Michael Jordan.

Montessori School Of Dentistry Lets Students Discover Their Own Root Canal Procedures

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 09:00:17 -0500

NEW YORK—"At Montessori, we believe dentistry to be more than just the medical practice of treating tooth and gum disorders," said school director Dr. Howard Bundt. "It's about fostering creativity."

Inside The Obama White House: Specifically The Air Conditioning Duct Near The West Wing

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 08:31:31 -0500

[audio] Survey: Positive Things Better Than Negative Things

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 20:02:02 -0500

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

Sports: Eagles Settle For Field Goal After 260-Yard Drive

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 14:00:10 -0500

SAN DIEGO—The Eagles were forced to settle for a field goal against the Chargers Sunday after sustaining a 260-yard, 64-play drive that featured six separate red-zone appearances and took 52 minutes off the game clock.

In Focus: Queen Elizabeth II Announces She's Pregnant Again

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 11:37:51 -0500

LONDON—The queen assured her 59-year-old son, Prince Charles, that he was still special, and the baby would not replace him as the heir apparent to the crown.

Heroin Addicts Pressure President To Stay Course In Afghanistan

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 11:12:25 -0500

LOS ANGELES—As the White House considers sweeping strategic shifts in the war in Afghanistan, heroin addicts across the nation called on...

[video] Boy Finds Own Real-Life E.T.

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 11:00:36 -0500

11 year old Thomas Demming visits Today NOW! with the magical friend he hid for weeks in his bedroom closet.

Opinion: This Would Be The Best Mental Hospital Ever If Elliott Gould Weren't Hiding In The Toilet (by Gregg Clayton)

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 11:00:32 -0500

I've been a patient at the Sunhaven Mental Health Center for about six months now, and I honestly can't say enough about what a fantastic...

Sports: Norman Esiason Finally Outgrows Childish Nickname

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 09:40:39 -0500

News In Photos

Federal Government Wants Subway Safety Oversight

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 09:30:50 -0500

The Obama administration will propose that safety regulations for subways and commuter trains be put under the jurisdiction of the federal...

Sports: Patriots Lead Colts At Halftime

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 02:00:45 -0500

INDIANAPOLIS—As of press time, the New England Patriots, playing on the road against an undefeated Indianapolis team, are headed into halftime with an all-but-insurmountable 24-14 lead.

In Focus: Mammograms

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 12:05:42 -0500

With the highly publicized return of Elizabeth Edwards' breast cancer, American women are being encouraged to take the precautions necessary to...

Who Do We Think We Are?

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 11:33:26 -0500

Middle East Small Talks To Focus On Getting Israel, Palestine To Discuss Weather

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 10:00:49 -0500

LONDON—According to State Department officials, the violently clashing peoples of Israel and Palestine have agreed to resume small talks...

Scientists Replace Penile Tissue In Rabbits

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 09:30:50 -0500

Researchers from North Carolina's Wake Forest University successfully engineered a replacement erectile tissue that, when implanted in the penises of...

Obama Weighs Options In Afghanistan

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 08:26:25 -0500

Pressure is mounting on President Obama to make a decision on the future of Afghanistan. Here are the options currently being...

[audio] Local Teen To Explore Own Body

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 20:00:27 -0500

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

December Named National Awareness Month

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 18:02:23 -0500

WASHINGTON—In an effort to combat what organizers are calling "our current epidemic of complete and utter obliviousness," the American Foundation for Paying Attention to Things has declared December "National Awareness Month."

In Focus: Report: Majority Of Americans Unprepared For Apocalypse

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 12:05:06 -0500

WASHINGTON, DC—Eighty-seven percent of Americans are "ill-equipped" to deal with solar flares, giant comets, and an all-engulfing Armageddon borne out of God's wrath.

Billboard Seems Oddly Proud Sting Will Be Playing At Foxwoods Casino

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 12:00:25 -0500

News In Photos