The Onion

[audio] Cheney Adds Rare '64 Kuwait To Oil Cellar

Fri, 09 May 2008 01:00:54 -0400

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

Earliest American Scat Found

Fri, 09 May 2008 01:00:30 -0400

The earliest-known fossilized feces was found recently in Oregon, placing humans on the American continents 1000 years earlier than previously...

Local Bar Comes Out As Gay

Fri, 09 May 2008 01:00:16 -0400

SEATTLE—"Once I saw two guys kissing in the bathroom, but I thought they were just drunk. Now it makes perfect sense, though," resident Frank Klein said.

New NFL Rule Will Force Players To Have One Of Three Appropriate Haircuts

Thu, 08 May 2008 01:00:37 -0400

NEW YORK—Hoping to address the issue of long hair obscuring players' names and numbers, NFL owners passed a new rule wherein players would be...

Number Of Acceptable Things Candidates Can Say Now Down To Four

Thu, 08 May 2008 01:00:34 -0400

NEW YORK—After Sen. Barack Obama's comments last week about what he typically eats for dinner were criticized by Sen. Hillary Clinton as being...

Peanut Allergies May Be Cured

Thu, 08 May 2008 01:00:29 -0400

According to Duke University medical researchers, a cure for peanut allergies may be five years away. What do you think?

Nationals Book It After Foul Ball Accidentally Smashes Capitol Rotunda

Thu, 08 May 2008 01:00:17 -0400

WASHINGTON, DC—An 8,976-foot foul ball off the bat of Washington third baseman Ryan Zimmerman crashed through the U.S. Capitol Building rotunda Sunday afternoon, prompting both the Nationals and the opposing Pittsburgh Pirates to gasp, turn...

[audio] Enterprising Dog Opens Own Kennel

Thu, 08 May 2008 01:00:14 -0400

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

I'm The Denzel Washington In Training Day Of Booking Plane Tickets Online

Wed, 07 May 2008 01:00:58 -0400

Listen up, bitch-ass fools. When it comes to booking airline tickets on the Internet, King Kong ain't got shit on me. I'm the baddest motherfucker...

This International Space Station Is A Pig Sty

Wed, 07 May 2008 01:00:55 -0400

Flight Engineer Oleg Kononenko, pay attention. And make sure Commander Sergei Volkov and spaceflight participant Yi So-yeon hear this, too. I...

[audio] Breakthrough Heinz Bottle Shoots Ketchup With Laser-Like Precision

Wed, 07 May 2008 01:00:51 -0400

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

Economic Stimulus Check Burned For Warmth

Wed, 07 May 2008 01:00:27 -0400

HELENA, MT—Saying the extra bit of kindling material couldn't have come at a better time, 43-year-old school teacher Tim Donaldson received his...

Stronger LASIK Warnings Urged

Wed, 07 May 2008 01:00:26 -0400

An FDA panel urged medical providers to offer more accurate warnings about the risks of refractive laser eye surgery. What do you think?

Pope Returns To Vatican With Comprehensive Plan To Blow Up United States

Wed, 07 May 2008 01:00:10 -0400

WASHINGTON—In what many believed to be a related incident, a blueprint of New York's proposed Freedom Tower was reported missing the day after the Pope's visit.

Watching TV Shows On DVD The Way To Do It, Area Man Reports

Tue, 06 May 2008 01:00:28 -0400

MILLERSVILLE, PA—Local resident Thomas Humphrey, 36, blasted traditional American methods of viewing episodic television Monday, proclaiming...

30 Years Of Man's Life Disappear In Mysterious 'Kansas Rectangle'

Mon, 05 May 2008 01:00:05 -0400

CHICAGO—The last known communication from Kevin Corcoran made reference to plans to marry a large blonde woman and enroll in a local technical college.

New 'Get The Fuck Outta The Road' Program Aims To Increase Pedestrian Safety

Sat, 03 May 2008 01:00:13 -0400

WASHINGTON—The program is designed as "an easy-to-understand informational tool that will hopefully get future geniuses to pay the fuck attention," reports say.

Potential Employee Uprising Quelled With Free Pizza

Fri, 02 May 2008 01:00:37 -0400

NEW YORK—Besides suppressing office acrimony, the pizza appeared to subdue frustrated employees on a physical level, leaving many full and slightly fatigued.