The Onion

Editorial Cartoon: Prime Time for Ticker Tape

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 15:15:00 -0500

Prime Time for Ticker Tape

New Breeding Program Aimed At Keeping Moderate Republicans From Going Extinct

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 14:15:00 -0500

WASHINGTON—Saying the now critically endangered species of politician is at high risk for complete extinction within the next 10 years, Beltway-area conservationists announced plans Monday for a new captive breeding program designed to save moderate...

Slideshow: The Week In Pictures

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 12:45:00 -0500

The Week In Pictures

Anti-Doping Agency Has A Bunch Of Old Tour De France Titles Lying Around If Anybody Wants One

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 12:30:00 -0500

MONTREAL—Upon releasing documents Monday relating to the verdict against 2010 Tour de France winner Alberto Contador, World Anti-Doping Agency officials mentioned to reporters they have plenty of stripped Tour titles in the office that anybody could...

Obama Begs Voters Not To Make His Daughters Switch Schools

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 10:15:00 -0500

The Obama campaign unveils a new strategy: urging Americans to keep him in the White House so Sasha and Malia don't have to make new friends.

WEDDINGS: Guests were delighted that Robert Pike and Tammy Roeder's wedding wasn't one of those nights when they try to kill each other.

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 09:30:00 -0500

Guests were delighted that Robert Pike and Tammy Roeder's wedding wasn't one of those nights when they try to kill each other.

Most Humiliating Experience Of Man's Life On DVD March 6

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 10:30:00 -0500

Most Humiliating Experience Of Man's Life On DVD March 6

Doctors Clear Peyton Manning To Let 300-Pound Men Slam Him Into The Ground As Hard As They Can

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 00:00:00 -0500

INDIANAPOLIS—Sources confirmed Friday that Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning had been cleared by doctors to resume his career of being chased, clubbed, and thrown to the ground by 300-pound men, often with the 300-pound men falling on to...

Palm Tree Fires Off Warning Coconut

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 12:40:00 -0500

Palm Tree Fires Off Warning Coconut

Roger Goodell Asks Football Fans How Much They Are Willing To Pay To Make Pro Bowl Go Away

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 12:40:00 -0500

NEW YORK—Football fans "do not like the Pro Bowl" and "would rather get rid of the all-star game altogether," NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters Saturday, saying the league is open to hearing exactly how much mone...

Sportsgraphic: Championship Celebration Moments

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 17:00:00 -0500

The Giants shut down Manhattan for half the day Tuesday with their NFL championship parade, and while magnificent, it didn't register alongside these epic sports victory celebrations: