Onion Sports

On Further Developments In the Patriots' Videotaping Scandal:

Thu, 15 May 2008 01:00:52 -0400

Piggly Wiggly Scouting Report Indicates J.J. Hardy Enjoys Rib-Eye Steaks

Thu, 15 May 2008 01:00:40 -0400

MILWAUKEE—A Piggly Wiggly-sponsored scouting report shown during an at-bat by Brewers shortstop J.J. Hardy Sunday indicated that his major...

Recently Greenlit Sports Movies

Thu, 15 May 2008 01:00:37 -0400

Sports movies have always been a Hollywood staple, and lately they've become more popular than ever. Here are the latest projects to begin...

Snickering Peter Gammons Persuades John Kruk To Say Orioles Are The Best Team In Baseball On Air

Thu, 15 May 2008 01:00:37 -0400

BRISTOL, CT—Following highlights of a recent Baltimore Orioles game, Baseball Tonight analyst John Kruk was goaded into stating that the...

Stackley Cup Playoffs Underway

Thu, 15 May 2008 01:00:25 -0400

NEW YORK—The 2008 Stackley Cup Playoffs, a set of odd-number-of-games series that will determine the champion of the National Huckie League, are well underway, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman confirmed Monday. At press time,...

Baseball Fan Discovers Awesome Baseball-Themed Website Called MLB.com

Thu, 15 May 2008 01:00:16 -0400

WYATT, MO—Avid baseball fan Richard Keltner was surprised and delighted to find an entire website devoted to the sport of baseball, the...

Nevada Boxing Commission Denies Involvement In Fighting Ring

Thu, 15 May 2008 01:00:05 -0400

LAS VEGAS—The Nevada Boxing Commission has pleaded not guilty for involvement in a fighting ring, which, according to the indictment, has...

A-Rod To Reporter After Interview: 'How Was That?'

Thu, 15 May 2008 01:00:03 -0400

NEW YORK—Following an interview with YES Network analyst Kimberly Jones, Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez immediately began inquring as to...

On Rumors That Kentucky Derby Horses Were Dosed With Steroids:

Thu, 08 May 2008 01:00:58 -0400

New NFL Rule Will Force Players To Have One Of Three Appropriate Haircuts

Thu, 08 May 2008 01:00:37 -0400

NEW YORK—Hoping to address the issue of long hair obscuring players' names and numbers, NFL owners passed a new rule wherein players would be...

Report: Olympics Mathematically Likely To Happen This Year

Thu, 08 May 2008 01:00:28 -0400

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND—Despite the numerous and varied difficulties faced by Beijing officials as the 2008 Olympiad draws nearer, International...

MLB Pickpocket Suspected In Series Of Stolen Batting Gloves

Thu, 08 May 2008 01:00:22 -0400

MILWAUKEE—According to an urgent notice from the commissioner's office, the infamous "MLB Pickpocket" is at it again—in the past week...

High School Team Denies Winning For Dead Teammate

Thu, 08 May 2008 01:00:20 -0400

MONONGAHELA, FL—The Monongahela West Tarpon, a boy's prep baseball team that has surged to a two-game lead in the Frostproof conference with a...

Nationals Book It After Foul Ball Accidentally Smashes Capitol Rotunda

Thu, 08 May 2008 01:00:17 -0400

WASHINGTON, DC—An 8,976-foot foul ball off the bat of Washington third baseman Ryan Zimmerman crashed through the U.S. Capitol Building rotunda Sunday afternoon, prompting both the Nationals and the opposing Pittsburgh Pirates to gasp, turn...

The Debut Of The UNFL

Thu, 08 May 2008 01:00:04 -0400

A New Haven-based investor group recently announced the formation of the United National Football League, saying their 22 professional teams will...

Baseball Swing So Bad It Makes Joe Morgan Vomit

Thu, 08 May 2008 01:00:04 -0400

ST. LOUIS—Moments after watching Cardinals catcher Yadier Molina get fooled into swinging well ahead of a 73 mph curveball, ESPN Sunday Night...

Terrell Owens Not Sure About This 'Pac-Man Jones' Character

Thu, 01 May 2008 01:00:15 -0400

IRVING, TX—Upon hearing that team owner Jerry Jones had traded draft picks to the Tennessee Titans for troubled cornerback Adam "Pac-Man" Jones, Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens held a press conference to discuss his personal misgivings...

On Roger Clemens' Alleged Affair:

Thu, 01 May 2008 01:00:01 -0400

Worst NFL Draft Picks 2008

Thu, 01 May 2008 01:00:01 -0400

Grading the annual NFL Player Draft is an inexact science, but some selections are obviously wrong from the start. Onion Sports runs down this...

On The Presidential Candidates Appearing On WWE Monday Night RAW:

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 01:00:35 -0400

Isiah Thomas: 'My Time With The Knicks Was Actually A Large-Scale Psychological Study Of New York Residents'

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 01:00:25 -0400

NEW YORK—Ousted Knicks coach and president Isiah Thomas, who presided over the team during one of the least successful and most shameful periods in its history, held a press conference Wednesday to announce that his four-year legacy of...

Female Firsts In Sports

Thu, 24 Apr 2008 01:00:24 -0400

With her IndyCar victory, Danica Patrick became the first woman to win a race in a top-level racing series. Onion Sports salutes her achievement...

Yankees Bury Bernie Williams Under New Stadium For Good Luck

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 01:00:33 -0400

NEW YORK—Citing a need for physical and spiritual cleansing after a Boston Red Sox fan entombed a David Ortiz jersey in the floor of the new facility, the New York Yankees buried former centerfielder Bernie Williams under 4,650 pounds of...

On Herschel Walker Announcing He Has Multiple Personality Disorder:

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 01:00:17 -0400

Speedo's New High-Tech Swimsuit

Thu, 17 Apr 2008 01:00:10 -0400

Swimmers wearing Speedo's new laser-bonded LZR racing swimsuit have set 35 records in the past few weeks. Here's how the LZR gives competitors the...

Goalie Clearly Living In Net

Thu, 10 Apr 2008 01:00:04 -0400

NASHVILLE—After reporters and fans observed a number of personal belongings accumulating around the south goal in Nashville's Sommet Center, members of the Predators organization acknowledged Tuesday that goaltender Dan Ellis has been...

Memphis Players Have Long, Complicated Explanation Of How They Are This Year's 'Rumpelstiltzkin' Story

Thu, 03 Apr 2008 01:00:39 -0400

SAN ANTONIO—Although no Cinderella teams made it to this year's Final Four, the Memphis Tigers held an extended press conference Wednesday to explain to the press and public that they are in fact the "Rumpelstiltzkin" of this year's NCAA...

Pat Riley's Sexual Bribes Tempt David Stern To Allow Heat Into Playoffs

Thu, 27 Mar 2008 01:00:10 -0400

NEW YORK—Sources close to the NBA commissioner say David Stern may yet succumb to the powerfully intoxicating sexual advances of Miami head coach Pat Riley and, in so doing, be convinced to allow the 12-57 Heat to enter the...

NIT Still Has 10 Open Slots If Anyone Wants To Play

Thu, 20 Mar 2008 01:00:13 -0400

NEW YORK—Though the NCAA's postseason consolation tournament began play earlier this week, National Invitational Tournament selection committee chairman C.M. Newton issued a nationwide call for more basketball teams, or even individual...

Packers Tell Fans They Gave Favre To A Nice Farm Family

Thu, 13 Mar 2008 01:00:54 -0400

GREEN BAY, WI—The Green Bay Packers addressed questions concerning the current status, future plans, and whereabouts of recently retired quarterback Brett Favre by announcing Monday that they had sent him to the country to live on a...