Onion Sports

Sports: Shaq, Cavaliers Start To Bond After Rollerblading Around Cleveland

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 10:39:17 -0500

CLEVELAND—After strapping on inline skates for the first time ever Monday, Cavaliers center Shaquille O'Neal and his new teammates bonded while Rollerblading through the streets of Cleveland.

Sports: 95-Year-Old Yankees Fan Afraid He'll Never Get To See Team Win 27 More World Series

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 10:38:24 -0500

NEW YORK—Michael Grippo, a 95-year-old Bronx native, told reporters Wednesday that he is "worried sick" that he won't live to see the Yankees win another 27 World Series titles.

Sports: Brett Favre Avenges Storied 16-Year Career With Packers

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 14:00:22 -0500

GREEN BAY, WI—Brett Favre beat the Green Bay Packers on Sunday for the second time this season, his decisive 38-26 victory exacting some...

Sports: Early-Season NBA Power Rankings

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 09:44:24 -0500

With the NBA season underway, scouts have made their first team rankings. Exhaustive capsule evaluations follow.

Sports: On Andre Agassi Admitting He Used Crystal Meth

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 09:04:15 -0500

Sports: New York Marathon Winner Tests Positive For Performance-Enhancing Horse

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 09:00:51 -0500

NEW YORK—Officials from New York Road Runners stripped American Meb Keflezighi of his 2009 ING New York City Marathon victory Wednesday after a blood sample taken from his fetlock was found to contain high levels of performance-enhancing horse.

SEC Replay Official Overturns 'Roe v. Wade'

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 10:30:25 -0500

TUSCALOOSA, AL—A Southeastern Conference replay official conducting a video review of a sideline catch during the Alabama-Tennessee game...

Sports: Mark McGwire To Teach Cardinal Hitters At What Point In Swing To Evade Congressional Questioning

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 10:30:53 -0500

ST. LOUIS—After being named hitting coach by Cardinals manager Tony La Russa, Mark McGwire told reporters...

Sports: Bombastic Team Introduction Scares Timid Charlotte Bobcats Back Into Locker Room

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 10:28:07 -0400

CHARLOTTE, NC—Frightened by the deafening music, the frenzied laser show, and the announcer's booming voice, panicked Charlotte Bobcats...

Sports: World Series Sub-Subplot Involves Yogi Berra Driving Through Philadelphia In 1953

Fri, 30 Oct 2009 10:30:27 -0400

NEW YORK—Alex Rodriguez's first World Series appearance and the Philadelphia Phillies' attempt to repeat as champions may have emerged as...

Sports: Even British Able To See Holes In Buccaneers' Defense

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 14:01:41 -0400

LONDON—Despite their lack of experience watching American football and their unfamiliarity with all but the most basic principles of the...

Sports: On Steve Phillips' affair with an ESPN production assistant

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 09:15:05 -0400

Sports: Pros And Cons Of An NFL Franchise In London

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 09:10:40 -0400

An American football team in London would offer unique opportunities but not without posing singular problems. We list the most prominent of both.

Sports: Phillies Hope To End 364-Day World Series Drought

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 09:00:55 -0400

PHILADELPHIA—The last time the Philadelphia Phillies brought a World Series title back to the City of Brotherly Love, the nation's financial sector was in complete ruin, the cost of a gallon of milk was only $2.74, fans watched the Fall...

Sports: WNBA Franchise Moving To Tulsa Sounds About Right

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 10:30:11 -0400

DETROIT—A recent announcement that the WNBA's Detroit Shock would be moving to Tulsa, OK next season seemed pretty much in line with what one would expect from the women's professional basketball league, observers told reporters Sunday.

Sports: Sound Strategy Booed

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 10:30:40 -0400

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Completely ignoring the benefits of proper time management, the establishment of good field position, and patience, Jaguars...

Sports: Biggest Errors In MLB Postseason History

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 09:14:37 -0400

Sloppy play has led to a number of charged errors during the 2009 MLB playoffs. Onion Sports examines the long, storied tradition of postseason errors

Sports: On Pedro Martinez's seven shutout innings in the NLCS

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 09:00:27 -0400

Sports: A-Rod Can't Wait To Someday Tell Estranged Grandchildren About 2009 Postseason

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 09:00:21 -0400

NEW YORK—Alex Rodriguez continued his dream postseason Saturday by hitting the tying home run in Game 2 of the American League Championship Series, a feat he hopes to reminisce about one day with his countless estranged grandchildren.

Sports: Athletes Excelling Past Their Prime

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 09:31:02 -0400

1995: Though many said his best years were behind him, Nolan Ryan goes on to make one pretty fucking incredible Advil commercial

Sports: On Rush Limbaugh Trying To Purchase The St. Louis Rams

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 09:21:10 -0400

Sports: Raiders Achieve First Down

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 09:00:21 -0400

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—In an improbable display of competence and a basic execution of football fundamentals, the Oakland Raiders stunned the football world Sunday when running back Michael Bush miraculously rushed for three yards against the Giants and succeeded in converting a first down.

Sports: MLB Playoff Predictions

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 09:10:20 -0400

With the 2009 regular season out of the way, Onion Sports runs down what to look for during the postseason.

Sports: On Peyton Manning's Great Start To The Season

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 09:00:35 -0400

Sports: ESPN Completely Misses Brett Favre Vs. Green Bay Packers Storyline

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 09:00:28 -0400

BRISTOL, CT—In what is being called the biggest gaffe in the sports network's 30-year history, ESPN totally forgot to cover last week's Brett Favre vs. Green Bay Packers storyline.

Sports: Michael Vick Fails To Inspire Team With 'Great' Dogfighting Story

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 09:00:58 -0400

PHILADELPHIA—Michael Vick's pregame pep talk Sunday, in which he recounted the events of a brutal 2004 dogfight between his pit bull terrier Zebro and rival pit bull Maniac, failed to inspire his teammates in any way whatsoever, Eagles team sources reported.

Sports: Dallas Cowboys Release Jerry Jones

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 09:00:06 -0400

IRVING, TEXAS—In an attempt to cut the franchise's losses and "move forward in a positive direction," the Dallas Cowboys severed ties with controversial owner Jerry Jones Monday, ending their tumultuous 20-year relationship with the divisive figure.

Sports: Derek Jeter Honored For Having Fewer Hits Than Harold Baines

Thu, 17 Sep 2009 09:00:06 -0400

NEW YORK—Following Derek Jeter's 2,722nd career hit Friday, Yankee fans and teammates took a moment to honor the all-star shortstop for having 144 fewer hits than former journeyman designated hitter Harold Baines.

Sports: Team Jacket-Wearing, Transistor Radio-Listening Fan Sitting By Himself

Thu, 10 Sep 2009 09:00:30 -0400

CHICAGO—For the 213th game in a row, witnesses in Wrigley Field's upper deck section 433 reported seeing the same unidentified fan wearing a Cubs team jacket and listening to the game on a transistor radio Tuesday.

Sports: Small, Unathletic Walk-On Injures 9 Starters In Notre Dame Football Practice

Thu, 03 Sep 2009 09:00:49 -0400

SOUTH BEND, IN—During Wednesday's afternoon practice, 17-year-old Brian Novak, a 145-pound walk-on for the struggling Notre Dame football team, injured nine starters, including third-year quarterback Jimmy Clausen, junior wide receiver...