The Onion

Anti-Doping Agency Has A Bunch Of Old Tour De France Titles Lying Around If Anybody Wants One

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 12:30:00 -0500

MONTREAL—Upon releasing documents Monday relating to the verdict against 2010 Tour de France winner Alberto Contador, World Anti-Doping Agency officials mentioned to reporters they have plenty of stripped Tour titles in the office that anybody could...

Fan On The Street: On This Year's Super Bowl Commercials

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 06:00:00 -0500

On This Year's Super Bowl Commercials

Doctors Clear Peyton Manning To Let 300-Pound Men Slam Him Into The Ground As Hard As They Can

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 00:00:00 -0500

INDIANAPOLIS—Sources confirmed Friday that Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning had been cleared by doctors to resume his career of being chased, clubbed, and thrown to the ground by 300-pound men, often with the 300-pound men falling on to...

Tom Coughlin Glad To Have 5 Weeks Or So Of Job Security

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 14:00:00 -0500

Tom Coughlin Glad To Have 5 Weeks Or So Of Job Security

Roger Goodell Asks Football Fans How Much They Are Willing To Pay To Make Pro Bowl Go Away

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 12:40:00 -0500

NEW YORK—Football fans "do not like the Pro Bowl" and "would rather get rid of the all-star game altogether," NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters Saturday, saying the league is open to hearing exactly how much mone...

Josh Hamilton Apologizes For Not Calling Sports Media Immediately After Relapse

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 18:20:00 -0500

DALLAS—Texas Rangers All-Star outfielder and former alcoholic Josh Hamilton held a press conference Friday to issue an apology to the mainstream sports media for not immediately thinking of them after suffering a relapse last week.

Magazine: The Post-Super-Bowl, Pre-March Madness, Post-NHL-All-Star Game, Pre-Spring Training, Mid-AT&T-Pebble-Beach-National-Pro-Am, Pre-Daytona 500 Issue

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 18:09:00 -0500

The Post-Super-Bowl, Pre-March Madness, Post-NHL-All-Star Game, Pre-Spring Training, Mid-AT&T-Pebble-Beach-National-Pro-Am, Pre-Daytona 500 Issue

Eli Manning: 'My Mom And Dad Are Taking Me To Disney World!'

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 17:15:00 -0500

Eli Manning: 'My Mom And Dad Are Taking Me To Disney World!'

Self-Loathing Nation Sees Itself In Wes Welker, Hates What It Sees

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 14:15:00 -0500

Self-Loathing Nation Sees Itself In Wes Welker, Hates What It Sees

Peyton Manning Congratulates Brother Eli: 'This Has Been The Worst Year Of My Life'

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 10:15:00 -0500

INDIANAPOLIS—Mere minutes after Super Bowl XLVI MVP Eli Manning hoisted the Lombardi Trophy on Sunday, he was congratulated in the locker room by his older brother, injury-ridden four-time NFL MVP Peyton, whose sadness at missing an entire season se...

Indianapolis Colts Somehow Wind Up With Exact Same Coaching Staff

Tue, 7 Feb 2012 18:30:00 -0500

Indianapolis Colts Somehow Wind Up With Exact Same Coaching Staff

Increase In NHL Ankle Injuries Linked To Super-Slick Synthetic Astro-Ice

Tue, 7 Feb 2012 14:00:00 -0500

NEW YORK—The NHL announced Tuesday it would study the possible safety and injury risks of playing hockey on Astro-Ice, an artificial rink-surfacing material used by many teams instead of expensive and difficult-to-maintain ice, the solid state of wa...

Most Clippers Fans Still Have No Idea Team Is Doing Well

Mon, 6 Feb 2012 17:15:00 -0500

Most Clippers Fans Still Have No Idea Team Is Doing Well

[video] Eli Manning Asks Dad If He Can Stop Playing Football Now

Mon, 6 Feb 2012 14:00:00 -0500

Eli Manning wins the Super Bowl, but not his freedom from football. It's a special GOOMF Blast!

Landon Donovan Inks $2-Per-Goal Deal With Grandparents

Mon, 6 Feb 2012 14:00:00 -0500

LOS ANGELES—At a press conference Monday, Everton and Los Angeles Galaxy forward Landon Donovan announced his signing of a $2-Per-Goal contract with his grandparents Frank and Dianne Donovan—a full 100 percent raise from his previous ag...

Nation Horrified By Carolina Panthers' Disturbingly Graphic Logo Redesign

Sun, 5 Feb 2012 09:30:00 -0500

Nation Horrified By Carolina Panthers' Disturbingly Graphic Logo Redesign

Fan On The Street: On Mike Tyson Being Inducted Into WWE Hall Of Fame

Sun, 5 Feb 2012 06:00:00 -0500

On Mike Tyson Being Inducted Into WWE Hall Of Fame

Novak Djokovic Signs Endorsement Deal With Serbia's Top Brand Of Luxury Goats

Sat, 4 Feb 2012 10:50:00 -0500

Novak Djokovic Signs Endorsement Deal With Serbia's Top Brand Of Luxury Goats

Jacksonville Jags To Go Without A Head Coach For 2012

Sat, 4 Feb 2012 09:30:00 -0500

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Claiming that it "doesn't really make a difference," Jacksonville Jaguars officials announced Saturday they plan to play the 2012 season without a head coach.

Greg Schiano Leaves Spotlight Of Rutgers Football For Low-Profile Buccaneers Job

Fri, 3 Feb 2012 17:30:00 -0500

TAMPA, FL—New Tampa Bay Buccaneers coach Greg Schiano explained to reporters Friday his decision to leave Rutgers, saying the mid-Florida football team offered his family the privacy and anonymity he missed during his years in the Rutgers spotlight.

[video] Cocky Giants’ D Reveals Game Plan That They Will Try And Tackle Tom Brady

Fri, 3 Feb 2012 12:15:00 -0500

News is breaking all over Indy as the Giants reveal their plans to tackle Tom Brady, Belichick rallies the troops with genital mutilation, and Peyton Manning gets over the Colts with some casual football.

Rangers Mistakenly Attempt To Woo Roy Oswalt By Touting Dallas' Gay Nightlife Scene

Fri, 3 Feb 2012 10:15:00 -0500

DALLAS—Sought-after free agent pitcher Roy Oswalt said he was "flattered and impressed" by the effort the Texas Rangers made in trying to sign him this week, but admitted he had no idea why the team made such a point of emphasizing the abu...

1,000 'Bleacher Report' Writers Descend On Super Bowl Media Day

Thu, 2 Feb 2012 18:15:00 -0500

INDIANAPOLIS—Sports journalists and television crews were pushed aside during Super Bowl Media Day on Tuesday as more than 1,000 writers for the website BleacherReport.com entered Lucas Oil Stadium to acquire material for their trademark style of re...

Nation's Telephone Conversation Fans Thrilled By Long-Awaited Mayweather-Pacquiao Phone Call

Wed, 1 Feb 2012 18:15:00 -0500

Nation's Telephone Conversation Fans Thrilled By Long-Awaited Mayweather-Pacquiao Phone Call

Slideshow: Super Bowl XLVI Preview Guide

Wed, 1 Feb 2012 18:00:00 -0500

The Super Bowl is almost here, and no fan can afford to be without the Onion Sports guide to the game's most crucial personnel.