The Onion

Senator Byrd The Longest-Serving Lawmaker

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 10:37:54 -0500

After more than 56 years in office, 92-year-old Sen. Robert C. Byrd (D-WV) has become the longest-serving member of Congress. What do you...

Federal Government Wants Subway Safety Oversight

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 09:30:50 -0500

The Obama administration will propose that safety regulations for subways and commuter trains be put under the jurisdiction of the federal...

December Named National Awareness Month

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 18:02:23 -0500

WASHINGTON—In an effort to combat what organizers are calling "our current epidemic of complete and utter obliviousness," the American Foundation for Paying Attention to Things has declared December "National Awareness Month."

[video] Obama's Home Teleprompter Malfunctions During Family Dinner

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 16:58:00 -0500

Officials say the President's home teleprompter is simply a tool to make sure pillow talk with Michelle or conversations with his Mother-In-Law go smoothly.

Obama Visiting Asia

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 09:30:53 -0500

President Barack Obama leaves for Japan Thursday, kicking off a nine-day diplomatic visit to Asia that will include four days in China. What do...

Congress Approves 500 Billion For Monument To Human Folly

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 18:00:36 -0500

WASHINGTON—"Our goal is to create a structure that, like the human race itself, is doomed from the outset and plagued by innate flaws that can never be corrected," said Sen. George Voinovich.

[video] Victim In Fatal Car Accident Tragically Not Glenn Beck

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 18:00:27 -0500

An honors student died in the crash today, leaving the nation to wonder why the grisly experience of burning alive was not reserved for Glenn Beck.

Bill May Have Cost Hillary VP Slot

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 09:30:28 -0500

In the new issue of Time magazine by former Obama campaign aide David Ploufe indicates that Hillary Clinton was a serious contender for the VP...

U.S. Continues Quagmire-Building Effort In Afghanistan

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 18:00:28 -0400

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—"We've spent a lot of time and money fostering the turmoil and despair necessary to make this a sustainable quagmire, and we're not going to stop now," President Obama said in a speech Monday night.

[video] Gaffe-Prone Biden Embarrasses Nation Yet Again By Sneezing During Meeting

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 10:30:55 -0400

In The Know panelists call Biden's decision to sneeze in the middle of a high level policy meeting 'disgusting' and 'completely inappropriate.'

Nation's Morons March On Washington State

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 03:00:49 -0400

OLYMPIA, WA—"More government accountability, and transparency, and accountability!" shouted grade-A moron Tammy Caldwell, 37, addressing no one in particular.

Republican Site Crashes

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 09:30:13 -0400

GOP.com, the new social networking site for Republicans, crashed hours after it was launched on Tuesday. What do you think?

[video] Obama To Enter Diplomatic Talks With Raging Wildfire

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 07:38:24 -0400

White House officials are confident the President will be able to convince the wildfire to stop incinerating large swaths of land and American homes.

Sotomayor Misses Supreme Court Case After Failing To Get Out Of Jury Duty

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 09:13:24 -0400

WASHINGTON—"I probably threw away four of those letters before I got one that said I had to appear or 'face serious penalties,' whatever that means," said Sotomayor, who was forced to appear at a nearby municipal courthouse Monday.

Barack Obama Wins Nobel Peace Prize

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 07:30:42 -0400

For the achievement of giving the world "hope for a better future," President Barack Obama was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. What do you...

Obama: Health Care Plan Would Give Seniors Right To Choose How They Are Killed

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 18:00:56 -0400

WASHINGTON—"If your grandmother would rather be euthanized in the privacy of her own home than be gutted and hanged on a high school soccer field, she is entitled to that right," said the president, who acknowledged that "wiping out" the nation's elderly population has always been his No. 1 priority.

Nevada Has Highest Percentage Of Uninsured Children

Fri, 02 Oct 2009 10:10:08 -0400

A Census report says that Nevada leads the nation in uninsured children, with nearly 20 percent lacking health coverage. What do you think?

[video] Poll: Happy, Healthy Obamas Out Of Touch With Miserable Americans

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 13:00:59 -0400

Panelists discuss whether Obama's openly loving family is a slap in the face to the average American who only bears feelings of resentment towards relatives.

Cat Congress Mired In Sunbeam

Fri, 25 Sep 2009 15:10:13 -0400

WASHINGTON—"We've come up against an unforeseen circumstance, but we'll resume deliberation and voting as quickly as is reasonably possible," said majority leader and Budget Committee chaircat Sen. Creamsicle (D-ND), stretching out to his entire length and repeatedly kneading the chamber carpet.

Edwards Alleged To Have Love Child

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 09:30:22 -0400

According to an ex-aide, former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards may have fathered a child with a videographer on his campaign staff....