The Onion

Sports: Entire Nation Picks Same Bracket

Fri, 19 Mar 2010 14:00:32 -0400

WASHINGTON—Citizens across the United States have selected the exact same teams to win every single game of the NCAA Tournament, handing in millions of completely identical brackets, college-basketball-pool organizers reported Thursday.

[video] YouTube Contest Challenges Users To Make A 'Good' Video

Fri, 19 Mar 2010 11:12:58 -0400

YouTube is offering a cash prize to the first user to upload a video with a shred of originality or artistic merit.

Local Neurotic To Undergo Invasive 32,000-Hour-Long Therapy Procedure

Fri, 19 Mar 2010 10:00:49 -0400

NEW YORK—Manhattanite Ted Friar, who has been battling chronic neuroses for more than 20 years, elected to undergo a highly invasive...

Erectile Dysfunction Linked To Heart Disease Fatality

Fri, 19 Mar 2010 09:30:32 -0400

German researchers have found that erectile dysfunction is a strong indicator that a man will die from heart disease. What do you think?

Sports: NBA Honors Latino Community By Using Spanish Word For 'The' On Jerseys

Fri, 19 Mar 2010 09:14:02 -0400

News In Photos

Sports: Carmelo Anthony Called For Traveling Back In Time

Fri, 19 Mar 2010 09:00:28 -0400

HOUSTON—Nugget's forward Carmelo Anthony made no secret of his displeasure with game officials Monday night after being whistled for a rarely called traveling-through-time foul late in the fourth quarter of Denver's 125-123 loss to the Rockets.

We Almost Go Inside The Mind Of Tim Burton But Then We Were Like 'Eh'

Fri, 19 Mar 2010 08:30:52 -0400

[audio] ACLU Defends Nazis' Right To Burn ACLU Headquarters

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 20:38:28 -0400

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

Jackson Estate Signs 250 Million Deal With Sony

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 12:12:41 -0400

Sony Music will pay the estate of Michael Jackson up to $250 million for the right to continue selling his back catalog and release as many as 10 new...

In Focus: Hillary Clinton Wows Russians With Poignant Chekhovian Monologue

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 12:07:33 -0400

News In Photos

Opinion: I'll Be Able To Get This Big Pot Of Chili Over To My Friend's House A Lot Quicker If I Put On My Roller Skates (by Rudy Lavelle)

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 11:00:51 -0400

Done! A heaping, hearty 10-gallon pot of Rudy's Famous Five-Alarm Chili, simmered to perfection and all ready for the big party over at my friend...

[video] Hot New Relationship Book Warns Women: 'Wake Up! He's A Shapeshifter'

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 11:00:36 -0400

Bestselling author Craig Wheedon stops by Today NOW! to urge ladies to face the truth and dump the shapeshifter.

Report: Music Industry Made 18 In 2009

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 10:00:26 -0400

NEW YORK—The Recording Industry Association of America announced Tuesday that the combined revenue brought in by Warner, Sony, EMI,...

Wise Council Of Elders Accuses Day Nurse Of Stealing Change

Thu, 18 Mar 2010 09:00:42 -0400

GLENS FALLS, NY—"No, not the Oriental nurse, the colored one," Hillside Assisted Living Center elder Tom Stansell said before shutting his eyes and somberly bowing his head in silence for the next 35 minutes. "Always telling me what to do. I have rights, you know."

In Focus: Man Who's 116th Irish Proud Of His Irish Heritage

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 11:33:15 -0400

KENOSHA, WI--Despite being just 1/16th Irish, Dennis Kroeger, a 27-year-old marketing manager whose great-great grandmother hailed from County Cork, is fiercely proud of his Irish ancestry.

What's Our Spring Cleaning Project?

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 11:11:42 -0400

Sports: Musher Claims Free Agency Destroyed Chemistry Of Sled-Dog Team

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 10:53:43 -0400

WILLOW, AK—Though originally favored to win the 2010 Iditarod by a large margin, musher Stefan Anderson's team has put in a mediocre performance up to this point, a result Anderson blames on flashy high-priced acquisitions on the sled-dog free-agent market.

Growing Number Of Americans Distrust Census

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 10:30:51 -0400

Despite the fact that the 2010 Census form is the shortest in recent history, some anti-government activists are refusing to answer any...

Obama To Revamp 'No Child Left Behind'

Wed, 17 Mar 2010 09:30:16 -0400

In his weekly radio address, President Obama announced plans to overhaul the previous administration's education policy. What do you think?

[audio] Exxon Paleontologists Call For Increased U.S. Fossil Production

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 20:03:30 -0400

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

Of Course Hair Stylist Remembers Gina

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 12:16:02 -0400

News In Photos

[video] Congressman Demands To Know Who Left Fish Sandwich To Rot On House Floor

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 11:32:39 -0400

Rep. McCullough cannot even fathom the amount of contempt you'd have to hold for Congress, the American people to do something so inconsiderate.

Opinion: I Wasn't Going To Buy This House Until I Saw The Realtor's Headshot On The Sign (by Sam Cone)

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 11:00:30 -0400

Buying a house is one of the biggest decisions a person can make, so when I set out to purchase my first home, I didn't take the matter lightly....

Sports: Lazy Free Agent Wants To Try Out Over Phone

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 10:52:09 -0400

CHARLOTTE, NC—In an effort to avoid physical exertion, strenuous activity, and standing up, slothful free agent Hollis Thomas told several NFL general managers Friday that he would prefer to try out for their teams over the phone.

Obama Visits Kindergarten To Read Class 200-Page Memorandum On Health Care

Tue, 16 Mar 2010 10:04:50 -0400

MIAMI—As part of a new program designed to encourage reading, President Barack Obama visited a kindergarten class Monday to read the...