The Onion

American Voices: 'House' To End

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 11:15:00 -0500

Producers for the show House announced the current season of the popular medical drama would be its last.

Obama Begs Voters Not To Make His Daughters Switch Schools

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 10:15:00 -0500

The Obama campaign unveils a new strategy: urging Americans to keep him in the White House so Sasha and Malia don't have to make new friends.

[audio] Girlfriend Acting All Clingy After Getting Pregnant

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 09:30:00 -0500

Girlfriend Acting All Clingy After Getting Pregnant

TV Listings: 16 and Present

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 19:00:00 -0500

MTV 10 p.m. EST/9 p.m. CST A bad case of the cramps threatens Gina's perfect attendance record.

Area Man Thinks He Has Rapport With His Mechanic

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 18:00:00 -0500

Area Man Thinks He Has Rapport With His Mechanic

WEDDINGS: Guests were delighted that Robert Pike and Tammy Roeder's wedding wasn't one of those nights when they try to kill each other.

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 17:00:00 -0500

Guests were delighted that Robert Pike and Tammy Roeder's wedding wasn't one of those nights when they try to kill each other.

Lane Bryant Model Almost Gets Guy's Number

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 14:30:00 -0500

Lane Bryant Model Almost Gets Guy's Number

GOSHEN, IN—Fortunately, Wayne Carlin's cocker spaniel’s birthday happens to fall on Valentine's Day, or he would have had to throw two parties.

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 13:00:00 -0500

GOSHEN, IN—Fortunately, Wayne Carlin's cocker spaniel’s birthday happens to fall on Valentine's Day, or he would have had to throw two parties.

Most Humiliating Experience Of Man's Life On DVD March 6

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 12:15:00 -0500

Most Humiliating Experience Of Man's Life On DVD March 6

Man Who Encourages Child's Destructive Id Referred To As 'Good With Kids'

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 11:15:00 -0500

BROOKLYN, NY—Kevin Stenner, 32, known as "Uncle Kev" to the wound-up screaming children whose most chaotic, destructive, and self-gratifying tendencies he unabashedly fosters, was referred to as "good with kids" by parents Sunday...

Man Who Encourages Child's Destructive Id Referred To As 'Good With Kids'

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 11:15:00 -0500

Doctors Clear Peyton Manning To Let 300-Pound Men Slam Him Into The Ground As Hard As They Can

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 10:15:00 -0500

INDIANAPOLIS—Sources confirmed Friday that Indianapolis Colts quarterback Peyton Manning had been cleared by doctors to resume his career of being chased, clubbed, and thrown to the ground by 300-pound men, often with the 300-pound men falling on to...

Fan On The Street: On This Year's Super Bowl Commercials

Sun, 12 Feb 2012 06:00:00 -0500

On This Year's Super Bowl Commercials

Letters To The Editor: Weird Smell

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 19:30:00 -0500

Dear The Onion, Enclosed is a weird smell that’s been lingering in my kitchen for a good month now. It’s like wet ham, but with an undercurrent of scorched hair. Any idea where it’s coming from? Jim Winning, Tulsa, OK

Palm Tree Fires Off Warning Coconut

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 18:00:00 -0500

Palm Tree Fires Off Warning Coconut

Roger Goodell Asks Football Fans How Much They Are Willing To Pay To Make Pro Bowl Go Away

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 15:45:00 -0500

NEW YORK—Football fans "do not like the Pro Bowl" and "would rather get rid of the all-star game altogether," NFL commissioner Roger Goodell told reporters Saturday, saying the league is open to hearing exactly how much mone...

Tom Coughlin Glad To Have 5 Weeks Or So Of Job Security

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 14:00:00 -0500

Tom Coughlin Glad To Have 5 Weeks Or So Of Job Security

Dead Cat's Litter Box Kept Just The Way It Was

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 13:00:00 -0500

Dead Cat's Litter Box Kept Just The Way It Was

New Rumsfeld Scholarship Awarded To Student Who Demonstrates Potential To Ignore Geopolitical Consequences Of Armed Invasion

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 12:30:00 -0500

CHICAGO—West Roosevelt High School student Jeremy Holloran became the first recipient of the Donald Rumsfeld Scholarship for Limited Geopolitical Foresight on Wednesday, a recognition bestowed upon students who demonstrate impressive potential for d...

Sportsgraphic: Championship Celebration Moments

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 11:15:00 -0500

The Giants shut down Manhattan for half the day Tuesday with their NFL championship parade, and while magnificent, it didn't register alongside these epic sports victory celebrations:

48-Year-Old Man Actually Very Open To Dating 25-Year-Olds

Sat, 11 Feb 2012 10:15:00 -0500

WILMETTE, IL—Describing himself as "open-minded" and "very willing to try new things," 48-year-old law firm partner Richard Bogan told reporters Saturday that, as unconventional as it may sound, he's actually quite receptive...

Josh Hamilton Apologizes For Not Calling Sports Media Immediately After Relapse

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 19:45:00 -0500

DALLAS—Texas Rangers All-Star outfielder and former alcoholic Josh Hamilton held a press conference Friday to issue an apology to the mainstream sports media for not immediately thinking of them after suffering a relapse last week.

Magazine: The Post-Super-Bowl, Pre-March Madness, Post-NHL-All-Star Game, Pre-Spring Training, Mid-AT&T-Pebble-Beach-National-Pro-Am, Pre-Daytona 500 Issue

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 18:30:00 -0500

The Post-Super-Bowl, Pre-March Madness, Post-NHL-All-Star Game, Pre-Spring Training, Mid-AT&T-Pebble-Beach-National-Pro-Am, Pre-Daytona 500 Issue

Eli Manning: 'My Mom And Dad Are Taking Me To Disney World!'

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 17:15:00 -0500

Eli Manning: 'My Mom And Dad Are Taking Me To Disney World!'

Poll Finds Majority Of Americans Would Like Things To Go Right For Once

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 16:30:00 -0500

UTICA, NY—A poll released Tuesday by Zogby International found that 72 percent of Americans would prefer it if things could go right, just this one time, without something inevitably coming along and screwing everything up.