The Onion

[audio] Beloved Minister Dies Just As He LivedOf A Heart Attack

Tue, 09 Feb 2010 20:00:25 -0500

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

Wal-Mart Cuts Over 13,000 Of What It Calls Jobs

Tue, 09 Feb 2010 18:00:35 -0500

BENTONVILLE, AR—"First, we tried cutting what is hard for me in good conscience to even call benefits," said Wal-Mart CEO Mike Duke. "We even tried negotiating with what we would probably refer to as the workers' union if, in fact, they even had such a thing."

Slideshow: The Week In Review

Tue, 09 Feb 2010 12:42:42 -0500

Slideshow

Vegan Unaware Pineapple Hes Eating Once Used To Beat Cow To Death

Tue, 09 Feb 2010 12:04:17 -0500

News In Photos

In Focus: Anti-Chewing-Tobacco Activists Speak Out Against Secondhand Spit

Tue, 09 Feb 2010 11:58:09 -0500

RALEIGH, NC--The ever-embattled tobacco industry suffered another blow Monday, as citizens' groups challenged the major smokeless-tobacco companies to confront the quality-of-life issues associated with secondhand spit.

Opinion: There Should Be No Secrets In Our Relationship Excluding The Events Of March 2, 2004 (by Craig McKay)

Tue, 09 Feb 2010 11:01:04 -0500

We've been together quite a while now, and I truly believe that if our relationship is going to last—if we're really going to commit to a...

Family Concerned After Aging TV Show Has Another Terrible Episode

Tue, 09 Feb 2010 10:00:15 -0500

ROANOKE, VA—The Stashwick family of Roanoke was "alarmed and saddened" to see a beloved-but-aging TV program suffer yet another terrible...

Toyota Expected To Recall Prius

Tue, 09 Feb 2010 09:29:48 -0500

Following last month's costly recall of 8.1 million vehicles due to an acceleration problem, Toyota will reportedly recall its latest hybrid Prius...

[video] Insidious Worm Makes Unauthorized Purchases When Computer User Is Drunk

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 18:15:36 -0500

Computer experts say individuals with upcoming bachelor parties or afterwork get-togethers are especially vulnerable to cyber attacks resulting in fraudulent late-night purchases.

In Focus: Latino Community Empowered By Coke Commercial

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 11:41:13 -0500

LOS ANGELES--A Coca-Cola commercial celebrating Latin American culture made its debut on several major networks last week, empowering and uplifting Latinos nationwide, sources reported Monday.

Sports: New Orleans Moves To No. 3 In NFL Power Rankings

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 10:30:08 -0500

MIAMI—On the heels of their 31-17 win over the Indianapolis Colts in Super Bowl XLIV, the New Orleans Saints rose to the third spot in the most recent NFL team power rankings

Sports: Top Recruit Tricked Into Committing To Notre Dame

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 10:21:51 -0500

ST. PAUL, MN—One of the most sought-after high school recruits of the year, Sean Harrisson, a 270-pound, 6-foot-2 linebacker, unwittingly signed with Notre Dame after Fighting Irish coach Brian Kelly played a series of mind tricks on the senior.

Unfunny Inside Joke From 5 Years Ago Only Thing Holding Friendship Together

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 10:00:19 -0500

SAN FRANCISCO—An unfunny private joke dating back to when they were roommates five years ago is reportedly the last remaining thread still...

Missionaries Charged With Kidnapping In Haiti

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 09:30:23 -0500

Ten American missionaries were charged with kidnapping after trying to take 33 Haitian children--some orphans, some not--across the border to the...

NASA Launches David Bowie Concept Mission

Mon, 08 Feb 2010 09:28:12 -0500

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—NASA officials announced today the successful launch of the new shuttle Moonage Daydream, marking the beginning of a long-anticipated two-week conceptual mission inspired by British rock star David Bowie.

[audio] 24 Million Potential Brides Discovered In China

Sun, 07 Feb 2010 09:00:49 -0500

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

Hometown Boy Makes Good Enough

Sat, 06 Feb 2010 12:00:50 -0500

News In Photos

Sports: Phil Mickelson Demands Scott McCarron Publicly Apologize To Pitching Wedge

Sat, 06 Feb 2010 10:19:28 -0500

RANCHO SANTA FE, CA—In response to accusations of cheating that he called hurtful, insensitive, and simply not true, Phil Mickelson lashed out at Scott McCarron Thursday, demanding that his fellow PGA Tour member publicly apologize for humiliating Mickelson's 20-year-old pitching wedge.

Father Still Has Complicated Series Of File Folders With Grown Son's Name On Them

Sat, 06 Feb 2010 08:56:17 -0500

TUALATIN, OR—"Someone's gotta keep track of this stuff," said Bill Jacobson, though he ceased having any authority over his son's life more than 16 years ago.

Sports: Peyton Manning Studying Saints Game Film From 1974

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 14:00:11 -0500

MIAMI—According to his teammates and coaches, Colts quarterback Peyton Manning has been sequestered in the film room at Sun Life Stadium for the last three days reviewing game tape from the Saints' 1974 season.

In Focus: Web-Browser History A Chronicle Of Couple's Unspoken Desires

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 12:12:03 -0500

VALLEJO, CA-The web-browser history on Allen and Christine Pollard's home iMac computer provides a comprehensive chronicle of the couple's deepest frustrations and desires, sources reported Monday.

'Lancet' Retracts Autism Paper

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 09:30:39 -0500

Citing the study's bad methodology, the British medical journal The Lancet retracted a 1998 paper that linked autism with the...

Sports: Budget Cuts Force CBS To "Mic Up" Jonathan Vilma With Handheld Microphone

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 09:00:41 -0500

News In Photos

Sports: Thoughtful Nation Questioning Whether Anyone Can Really 'Win' The Super Bowl

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 09:00:26 -0500

MIAMI—As the Super Bowl captures the country's attention, excitement over the NFL's championship game is muted somewhat by the persistent question of whether winning, or losing for that matter, holds any absolute value—a question that has many football fans pondering the meaning of the game itself.

They Said I Would Never Walk Again And I Really Have To Commend Them For Their Spot-On Diagnosis

Fri, 05 Feb 2010 08:30:42 -0500