The Onion

Can't Go Wrong With A Cheeseburger, Area Man Reports

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 22:02:34 -0400

SCOTTSVILLE, NY—Unfamiliar with the menu at local restaurant Scully's and faced with the decision of what to order for lunch,...

[audio] Pacifist Rooster Is Torn Apart In Cockfight

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 20:00:10 -0400

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

What The Hell Did We Drink Last Night

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 17:40:13 -0400

Enchilada Premonition Comes To Pass

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 16:26:59 -0400

BUFFALO, NY—An unaccountable vision of impending enchilada consumption experienced by SUNYBuffalo student Kris Lamberth came true early...

The Fast-Food Lawsuit

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 16:15:22 -0400

On July 24, a lawsuit was filed against the fast-food industry for causing obesity and other health problems.

Report: Meat Now America's No. 2 Condiment

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 16:06:47 -0400

CHICAGO—Bacon and spreadable veal helped the up-and-comer best Big Three standards salsa and mayonnaise for the first time.

George Foreman Grill Retires To Promote Own Grill

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 15:03:00 -0400

HOUSTON—The George Foreman Grill announced Monday that it will retire in order to promote its own patented line of fat-reducing grills. "The George Foreman Grill has enjoyed a long and rewarding career as a kitchen appliance, but now it wants to get out of the rat race," the grill's publicist, Nate Harbert, said Monday. "From now on, the grill will be doing what it loves most: helping people live healthier lives via its infomercial for the George Foreman Lean Mean Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine's Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine." Harbert said the George Foreman Grill will also spend more time doing charity work.

Naughty Baker's Diminished Sex Drive Starting To Affect His Work

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 13:16:13 -0400

GRAND FORKS, ND—Erotic baker Kevin Nageli has begun designing cakes that have no sexual content at all.

Scientists Discover Gene Responsible For Eating Whole Goddamn Bag Of Chips

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 13:05:28 -0400

ITHACA, NY—In an announcement with major implications for big fat hogs, geneticists said that serial chip-eating is hereditary.

Nation Fills Up On Bread

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 12:55:19 -0400

WASHINGTON, DC–Despite repeated warnings from federal officials not to eat too much before their entree arrives, an alarming 89 percent of U.S. citizens filled up on bread Monday, leaving them too full to enjoy the rest of their meal.

Digesting, Tasting, Excreting, Then Chewing: How One Man Is Trying To Change The Eating Paradigm

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 12:31:49 -0400

Opinion: Snyder's Of Hanover Has Always Been In Pretzels For The Long Haul

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 11:30:53 -0400

In this world of ever-changing loyalties, it seems at times as though nothing consistent and permanent remains. Nothing in which one can place...

New Custard Could Cause Worldwide Flandemic

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 10:28:26 -0400

ATLANTA—A recently discovered strain of custard could cause a worldwide flandemic, Centers For Dessert Control warned Monday. "We are warning...

Diet Could Affect Gender

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 09:30:45 -0400

A new report from Oxford and the University of Exeter in England says that diet at conception can influence the sex of the child. What do you...

Area Man Holding Out Until Next Exit For Better Fast Food Options

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 09:00:38 -0400

ERIE, PA—"I think I want Wendy's," Don Turnbee told reporters. "There hasn't been a Wendy's in a while so there will probably be one in a couple of exits."

Editorial Cartoon - June 29, 2009

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 01:42:42 -0400

Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender Hes Saving For Last

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 01:28:54 -0400

News In Photos

[audio] Eskimo Chef Works Magic With Blubber, Moss

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 20:00:22 -0400

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

Fat Guy Mistakenly Thought Of As Strong

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 18:17:59 -0400

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—Due to his sheer mass, Derek "Moose" Glass, 26, is considered by his friends and relatives to be "stronger than an ox,"...

How Are We Cooking The Goose?

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 17:32:10 -0400

Man Psyches Self Out During Selection Of Ice-Cream Flavor

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 17:21:42 -0400

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Tallahassee resident Hannibal Grant found himself "paralyzed" by the sheer immensity of ice-cream options available to him...

Bumper Nilla Crop Spells Profit For Wafer Growers

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 17:10:35 -0400

HENLY, TX—Unusually warm temperatures, regular rainfall, and innovative agricultural techniques have resulted in the third-straight record...

10-Percent Tip Teaches Waitress Valuable Lesson

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 16:32:32 -0400

CONCORD, NH—"If he hadn’t withheld that 50 cents, I'd make these mistakes over and over for the rest of my career," said the 49-year-old server.

Biotech Foods

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 16:08:08 -0400

Genetically modified fruits and vegetables are an increasingly common sight on supermarket shelves. What is their appeal?

Restaurant Turns Out To Be Spanish, Not Mexican

Sat, 04 Jul 2009 14:22:11 -0400

SCRANTON, PA—Bob and Debra Mangurten expressed confusion and frustration Monday, when the restaurant Don Quixote turned out to be Spanish, not Mexican.