The Onion

American Voices: Congress Clears U.S. Airspace For More Drones

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 11:15:00 -0500

With a vote of 75 to 20 in the Senate, Congress approved a bill that will allow more drones, military and private, in U.S.

Peyton Manning Congratulates Brother Eli: 'This Has Been The Worst Year Of My Life'

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 10:15:00 -0500

INDIANAPOLIS—Mere minutes after Super Bowl XLVI MVP Eli Manning hoisted the Lombardi Trophy on Sunday, he was congratulated in the locker room by his older brother, injury-ridden four-time NFL MVP Peyton, whose sadness at missing an entire season se...

[audio] Local Man Miscast In Role As Father

Fri, 10 Feb 2012 09:30:00 -0500

Local Man Miscast In Role As Father

WEDDINGS: Although she desperately wanted to marry Brandon Cisneros, Amy Phillips, 25, thought saying "I don't do" at the ceremony was just too funny an opportunity to pass up.

Thu, 9 Feb 2012 17:30:00 -0500

Although she desperately wanted to marry Brandon Cisneros, Amy Phillips, 25, thought saying "I don't do' at the ceremony was just too funny an opportunity to pass up.

Iran Worried U.S. Might Be Building 8,500th Nuclear Weapon

Thu, 9 Feb 2012 16:30:00 -0500

TEHRAN—Amidst mounting geopolitical tensions, Iranian officials said Wednesday they were increasingly concerned about the United States of America's uranium-enrichment program, fearing the Western nation may soon be capable of producing its 8,500th ...

Infographic: 'Soul Train' Creator Don Cornelius Dead

Thu, 9 Feb 2012 15:00:00 -0500

Last week, the final chapter of Soul Train came to a close when show creator and longtime host Don Cornelius was found dead in his California home. Here are some highlights from the legendary show he created: 1971: Ja...

New Biography Reveals Einstein Devised Theory Of Relativity On Paper Because He Wasn't Smart Enough To Invent Microsoft Word

Thu, 9 Feb 2012 14:00:00 -0500

PRINCETON, NJ—A new biography by science historian Tanya Medel has rocked the physics world with the revelation that theoretical physicist Albert Einstein wasn't smart enough to invent Microsoft Word and use it to devise his theory of relativity.

American Voices: Spanking Doesn't Work

Thu, 9 Feb 2012 11:15:00 -0500

A study published in the Canadian Medical Association Journal analyzed two decades of research and found that children who were punished physically became more aggressive over time, while those who weren't became less aggressive.

Alarming Study Finds More Than 12 Instances Of Racism Occurred Last Year

Thu, 9 Feb 2012 10:15:00 -0500

NEW YORK—A shocking study released Thursday by sociologists at Columbia University found that more than 12 instances of racism occurred in 2011, suggesting not only that prejudice based on the color of one's skin still exists, but that it remains di...

[audio] Junior Building Inspector Closes Down Area Tree House

Thu, 9 Feb 2012 09:30:00 -0500

Junior Building Inspector Closes Down Area Tree House

TV Listings: Cryojennifer

Wed, 8 Feb 2012 19:30:00 -0500

CW 8 p.m. EST/7 p.m. CST Tonight: The beautiful but absentminded Cryojennifer completely messes up a sales report at work, makes the mistake of questioning her sister's weight, and burns a meal she cooks for her boyfriend, realizing once again that the o...

Letters To The Editor: Cloning Update

Wed, 8 Feb 2012 18:15:00 -0500

Dear The Onion, Where are scientists at on cloning? Since the sheep it seems like there’s been nothing. Paul Goethe, Rochester, NY

EL PASO, TX—A cockroach living under the fridge in Nelson and Elizabeth Gebler's kitchen headed to work thinking, "Cockroach’s gotta make a living."

Wed, 8 Feb 2012 17:00:00 -0500

EL PASO, TX—A cockroach living under the fridge in Nelson and Elizabeth Gebler's kitchen headed to work thinking, "Cockroach’s gotta make a living."

Study Reveals Majority Of Suicides Occur While Trying To Put Fitted Sheet On Bed

Wed, 8 Feb 2012 16:00:00 -0500

BALTIMORE—According to a study published Monday in Psychological Bulletin, more than 83 percent of suicides take place when an individual is faced with the task of putting a fitted sheet onto a mattress.

Area Woman Becomes Nation's First Grandma Courtney

Wed, 8 Feb 2012 14:30:00 -0500

Area Woman Becomes Nation's First Grandma Courtney

[video] Meet The Man Inside The Nicolas Cage Costume

Wed, 8 Feb 2012 13:00:00 -0500

Star Fix has an exclusive interview with the man who has enchanted audiences for the last 30 years playing the delightfully wacky, oversized puppet of Nicolas Cage.

American Voices: Smoking Speeds Mental Decline

Wed, 8 Feb 2012 11:10:00 -0500

A study published in Archives Of General Psychiatry found that middle-aged men who smoked had diminished cognitive skills, the equivalent of having aged an additional 10 years.

New Photos Reveal Stress Of Obama's First Term In Office Has Rapidly Aged Americans

Wed, 8 Feb 2012 10:05:00 -0500

WASHINGTON—Recent side-by-side photographic comparisons of Americans before and after he assumed the presidency have confirmed the stress of Barack Obama's time in the White House has taken a significant toll on the U.S.

[audio] Camera Crew Discreetly Trails Overweight Woman For Obesity Segment

Wed, 8 Feb 2012 09:30:00 -0500

Camera Crew Discreetly Trails Overweight Woman For Obesity Segment

Indianapolis Colts Somehow Wind Up With Exact Same Coaching Staff

Tue, 7 Feb 2012 19:30:00 -0500

Indianapolis Colts Somehow Wind Up With Exact Same Coaching Staff

WEDDINGS: With no family or friends in attendance, Matt and Shandra Fink were quietly married in a low-key Las Vegas ceremony, but the couple went right from there to pulling off an exciting casino robbery.

Tue, 7 Feb 2012 18:30:00 -0500

With no family or friends in attendance, Matt and Shandra Fink were quietly married in a low-key Las Vegas ceremony, but the couple went right from there to pulling off an exciting casino robbery.

Stockwatch: Toyota (TM)

Tue, 7 Feb 2012 17:45:00 -0500

$75.30 (+$.1.10) (+1.5%) The automaker's shares went up after it announced a deal with Costco in which the warehouse-store chain will carry 20-packs of Camrys.

Report: Watching Episode of 'Downton Abbey' Counts As Reading Book

Tue, 7 Feb 2012 16:15:00 -0500

WASHINGTON—According to a report from the U.S. Department of Education released Thursday, watching a single episode of the British TV series Downton Abbey is the cultural and educational equivalent of reading an entire book.

Your Horoscopes - Week Of February 7, 2012

Tue, 7 Feb 2012 15:00:00 -0500

Aries The universe, in all its wisdom, has a plan for everyone. Strangely, you're supposed to be the nun who holds up a distributor cap and winks while the Nazis try to start their car. Taurus That person you've been see...

Narcissist Thrilled To Find Symptoms In DSM-IV

Tue, 7 Feb 2012 14:30:00 -0500

Narcissist Thrilled To Find Symptoms In DSM-IV