The Onion

San Diego Zoo, Prison Merge

Fri, 16 May 2008 01:00:50 -0400

SAN DIEGO—The new ultra-efficient complex is open to schoolchildren on field trips, family members of convicted felons, and state-appointed defense lawyers.

Vatican Okays Space Aliens

Fri, 16 May 2008 01:00:41 -0400

Vatican chief astronomer Rev. Jose Gabriel Funes stated that belief in extraterrestrial life is not contradictory with church doctrine because aliens...

That's What Host Of Showtime At The Apollo Talking About

Fri, 16 May 2008 01:00:27 -0400

NEW YORK—Early reports indicate that yes—yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes—exactly what Showtime At The Apollo host Capone...

[audio] Plate Of Cookies Never Stood A Chance

Fri, 16 May 2008 01:00:06 -0400

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

[audio] Biologists Apologize For Release Of Giant Winged Serpents

Thu, 15 May 2008 01:00:44 -0400

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

Piggly Wiggly Scouting Report Indicates J.J. Hardy Enjoys Rib-Eye Steaks

Thu, 15 May 2008 01:00:40 -0400

MILWAUKEE—A Piggly Wiggly-sponsored scouting report shown during an at-bat by Brewers shortstop J.J. Hardy Sunday indicated that his major...

Stackley Cup Playoffs Underway

Thu, 15 May 2008 01:00:25 -0400

NEW YORK—The 2008 Stackley Cup Playoffs, a set of odd-number-of-games series that will determine the champion of the National Huckie League, are well underway, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman confirmed Monday. At press time,...

Jimmy Fallon To Host 'Late Night'

Thu, 15 May 2008 01:00:23 -0400

NBC officially announced that Jimmy Fallon will replace Conan O'Brien as host of Late Night in 2009. What do you think?

Formerly Obese Man Always Showing Everyone His Old Pants

Thu, 15 May 2008 01:00:08 -0400

RUFFS DALE, PA—According to John Swink's friends, family, coworkers, and casual acquaintances, as well as a growing number of local waiters and...

I Would Say 'To Kill A Mockingbird' Captured The Most Interesting Part Of Our Lives

Wed, 14 May 2008 01:00:53 -0400

As I get older and reflect on my life, my mind always drifts back to the time I defended handyman Tom Robinson against those trumped-up, racially...

I Can't Believe I'm Being Forced To Sit On This Couch While Jay Leno Interviews Josh Hartnett

Wed, 14 May 2008 01:00:47 -0400

Don't get me wrong: It's great being on the show. Love Jay, love the audience, really. And this Josh…Hartnett, is it? He seems like a good...

Everything Falling Apart, Reports Institute For Somehow Managing To Hold It All Together

Wed, 14 May 2008 01:00:27 -0400

WASHINGTON—"Though we're working to fix things, the situation has become OH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE—I just spilled coffee on myself," said the institute's chairman.

Clinton Questions Obama's Ability To Greet World Leaders

Wed, 14 May 2008 01:00:27 -0400

CHARLESTON, WV—Hillary Clinton once again attacked Barack Obama on the issue of experience Tuesday, this time questioning the Illinois...

"Law Order" Actor Arrested

Wed, 14 May 2008 01:00:22 -0400

Former Law & Order star Dennis Farina was arrested and charged with a felony after he took a loaded, unregistered handgun to an airport....

[audio] Obama Voicemail Message Not That Inspiring

Wed, 14 May 2008 01:00:15 -0400

Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland

Nation's Slicked-Back-Hair Men Rally Against Negative Hollywood Portrayal

Mon, 12 May 2008 03:00:00 -0400

LOS ANGELES—Even though men with this hairstyle comprise just 3 percent of the US populace, activists argue, they make up 80 percent of TV villains and assholes.

Michel Gondry Entertained For Days By New Cardboard Box

Sat, 10 May 2008 01:00:52 -0400

NEW YORK—Gondry greeted members of the press by placing the box over his head and declaring that he was a lonely building without a skyline to call home.

Local Bar Comes Out As Gay

Fri, 09 May 2008 01:00:16 -0400

SEATTLE—"Once I saw two guys kissing in the bathroom, but I thought they were just drunk. Now it makes perfect sense, though," resident Frank Klein said.