The Onion

Getting Grandma Into Family Reunion T-Shirt A 3-Person Job

Wed, 16 May 2012 15:00:00 -0400

Getting Grandma Into Family Reunion T-Shirt A 3-Person Job

[video] After Weeks Of Media Pressure, Shia LaBeouf Still Refusing To Have Public Meltdown

Wed, 16 May 2012 14:00:00 -0400

In this Star Fix Quick Hit, Angelique Clark looks at the media's ongoing efforts to push Shia LaBeouf over the edge into a Charlie Sheen-style breakdown.

American Voices: Lady Gaga Barred From Indonesia

Wed, 16 May 2012 13:35:00 -0400

Following numerous religious protests, Indonesian officials have refused to issue a permit for Lady Gaga to perform in Jakarta next month.

TV Listings: Swedish Rules Football

Wed, 16 May 2012 13:30:00 -0400

Fox Sports 2:00 p.m. EST/1:00 p.m. CST Stockholm takes on Gothenburg in a sport that is a lot more like baseball.

Area Man Pretty Shaken Up After Running Into Casual Acquaintance At CVS

Wed, 16 May 2012 12:20:00 -0400

NEW YORK—A full 20 minutes after running into casual acquaintance Dan Ehrlemeyer at a CVS drugstore Wednesday and exchanging pleasant small talk with him, area man Jason Ditmas, 32, told reporters he was still really shaken up by the experience.

[video] Alabama Hosts First Desegregated Mass Suicide

Wed, 16 May 2012 12:00:00 -0400

The Onion looks back at Alabama's first desegregated mass suicide, the historic V.E. Day Speech from FDR's rotting corpse, and the completion of the transcontinental railroad with the gold-plated femur of a Chinaman.

American Voices: First Private Flight To Space Station This Week

Wed, 16 May 2012 11:15:00 -0400

SpaceX, the privately owned spaceflight company, is planning to launch a robotic capsule to the International Space Station this Saturday.

Tens Of Thousands Dead In Ongoing Africa

Wed, 16 May 2012 10:15:00 -0400

JUBA, SOUTH SUDAN—According to alarming reports from international relief agencies operating in Swaziland, Chad, the Democratic Republic of Congo, and rebel-held sections of Mali, more than 500,000 people have died so far this month from the ongoing...

[audio] County Fair Judges Blown Away By Local Heifer

Wed, 16 May 2012 09:30:00 -0400

County Fair Judges Blown Away By Local Heifer

LeBron James Only Person In Arena Chanting 'MVP'

Tue, 15 May 2012 20:00:00 -0400

LeBron James Only Person In Arena Chanting 'MVP'

WEDDINGS: James Palmenteri and Valerie Skinner

Tue, 15 May 2012 19:00:00 -0400

After two marriages to other people, James Palmenteri, 38, and Valerie Skinner, 35, have decided to waste their friends and family’s time, once again, this Saturday.

American Voices: Stranded Fisherman Sues Cruise Line

Tue, 15 May 2012 17:25:00 -0400

Panamanian fisherman Adrian Vasquez is suing Princess Cruise Lines after one of its ships allegedly chose to ignore a stalled boat in which he and two companions, who later died, had been stranded.

Stockwatch: 3M Co. (MMM)

Tue, 15 May 2012 17:00:00 -0400

$86.40 (-$1.03) (-1.2%) Investor confidence wavered following president and CEO Inge Thulin’s gory public suicide at this morning's annual shareholder meeting.

Report Of Popular Fish's Death Starting To Get Around Tank

Tue, 15 May 2012 16:00:00 -0400

Report Of Popular Fish's Death Starting To Get Around Tank

Derek Jeter Admits He Only Plays The Game The Right Way For The Pussy

Tue, 15 May 2012 15:00:00 -0400

NEW YORK—New York Yankees shortstop and eventual first-ballot Hall of Famer Derek Jeter admitted to reporters Monday that the only reason he plays baseball with effort, modesty, and reverence to those who played before him is because it gets him all...

Opinion: I Was One Of Those Kids Who Always Took Cats Apart To See How They Worked (by Terrance Hanley)

Tue, 15 May 2012 13:15:00 -0400

By Terrance Hanley

Your Horoscopes – Week of May 15, 2012

Tue, 15 May 2012 12:15:00 -0400

Aries Patience will see you through life’s most harrowing times. Plus you can fake patience by just sleeping constantly. Taurus For the last time: You do not have miraculous stigmata that cause you to bleed like th...

American Voices: Positive Affirmation Makes One Feel Worse

Tue, 15 May 2012 11:15:00 -0400

According to a study published in the journal Psychological Science, repeating positive affirmations like "I am a lovable person" makes depressed people feel worse.

Hershey's Announces It's All Out Of Candy

Tue, 15 May 2012 10:15:00 -0400

HERSHEY, PA—Hershey's, the American confectionery giant behind such treats as Hershey's Kisses, Twizzlers, and the Symphony chocolate bar, announced Tuesday that it had run out of candy and would cease operations immediately.

[audio] Bicycle-Riding Circus Bear Pedals Back To Natural Habitat

Tue, 15 May 2012 09:30:00 -0400

Bicycle-Riding Circus Bear Pedals Back To Natural Habitat

TV Listings: Holmes On Homes

Mon, 14 May 2012 19:00:00 -0400

DIY 8:00 p.m. EST/7:00 p.m. CST Sherlock and Watson must complete a half-finished bungalow renovation before Moriarty blows up an innocent hostage.

Early Playoff Exit Provides Huge Relief To Grizzlies

Mon, 14 May 2012 18:30:00 -0400

Early Playoff Exit Provides Huge Relief To Grizzlies

CHICAGO, IL—Mackenzie Yeager sat through her friend's one-man show only to realize the last act was all about the lunch date they had earlier that day.

Mon, 14 May 2012 18:00:00 -0400

CHICAGO, IL—Mackenzie Yeager sat through her friend's one-man show only to realize the last act was all about the lunch date they had earlier that day.

[video] Same Homeless Man Always Begging For Change On United Flight

Mon, 14 May 2012 17:30:00 -0400

A 5-year-old announces that the circle is no longer her favorite shape, former Kentucky Derby winner Big Brown makes his comeback to horse racing as a jockey, and the guitar music fad runs its course.

Sad Man On Train Reading Library Book About Day Trading

Mon, 14 May 2012 17:00:00 -0400

Sad Man On Train Reading Library Book About Day Trading